state of being

heart? empty, cause you were what filled it
mind? filtering, but doesnt seem to help anything
soul? missing you, dearly
hopes and dreams? non exsistant
ideas for a future? no specific direction

i dont think i can do this anymore.

christmas eve

and i mean i really dont give a fuck. i never was too big on Christmas, i mean im sure i was when i was little, but not the last few years.
i feel greedy and my whole family is constantly asking what do you want, what do you want?
and im like, get me what you want me to have.
and they look at me funny
sighhhh
so i really dont think people get the whole giving side of christmas, its wants.
but yeah. i have these butterflies in my stomach that dont seem to subside.
you guessed it; Ethan.
i havnt called him in 7 days exact.
i mean im kinda proud that i made it that long cause you see, he wants his space.
and ive been doing quite alright until today. my stomach is just so anxious. i plan on texting him tomorrow. a simple merry christmas. i dont expect him to text me back, or anything liek that. im just crossin them fingers and hoping for the best.
and i was thinking maybe on saturday i could invite him to go to church with me on sunday. and we'll just see how that goes.
im not confident in it. im not cocky. but i am hopeful.
by the way i think its mean to have dumped me so close to the holidays. things would have been fucking perfect. i wanted to take him to turkey mountain for a cold picnic and have sex in my new car, and go ice skating and bake and have a food fight and cuddle and watch movies and go on an exploration again. just like the old days. its fucking perfect.
but no.cause he pooped all over my plans
and for that i call you a jack ass.
but for no other reason :)

i cant explain the way youve made me feel

the hope that got me through, day to day, is demolished, because you, in no way want to be with me again. you, in no way, want to give me a second chance.
before you, i didn't see a future for myself, i couldn't get myself to see a likeness of myself out of school. you gave me a dream of a future, and because it was with you, it seemed logical, it seemed possible. but you've taken that away, and now I'm back to where i was, but so, so much weaker. because before you, i was independent and self sufficient. when i meet you, i trusted you, and i gave you everything my body and mind could offer, i gave it all to you. with faith in you, and in our love.
without it, what am i?
what do i have? what hope do i have?
you taught me that i was worth something. that my body was still pure, despite what happened all those years ago. and i willingly let you in. in many ways, in ways i didn't know before you. all because of the feelings you gave me, the feeling of not wanting to ever be with anyone besides you.
And i still feel that. so, so much. but you don't..?
and i don't understand.
because i thought the good out weighted the bad. I thought the love we had was invincible. and i thought you could have talked to me about it. you decided not to, and i guess I'm the one who has to suffer for that.

there is no peace that ive found so far.

its hard, this whole day to day thing.
i wish i didnt do the things that messed things up for us
i wish he would give me a second chance to show him how much i love him
i wish i was up at college now

my emotions pin ball back and forth constently, i cant get myself to be happy when i should be.
I cant get myself to fake a smile when i feel this way.
I look at other people with their boyfriends, peoples who relationship, i thought was weaker then us, and their still together as we arnt.
How can i be happy without you?
you were the only bright thing i found in a world of monochrome colors.
i would give anything to have him back.
he said maybe we could try it agian when im up at college, when ive matured some. he shouldnt have said that, cause i think thats the only hope i am holding onto right now.
he also said we could try to be friends, and if i can keep myself from crying, maybe that will be the closest thing to be happy i will be able to muster.

god give me strength

i feel somewhat calm and content

day 1
at least i know its over
cause he told me today.. i guess i called him enough, he finally decided he had to face it.
and theres no chance well get back together apparently.
i fucked things up too much
but im not mad at my self, because even though i did mess things up, it was him he doesnt want to give me a second chance, and its him who doesnt want to see/ talk to me.
ughh. its still alot to think about. and it was making me sick at our winter concert.
but bigger stuff has happened
(or, id say, of about equivalent proportions)
see i was at tin star with some old graduated friends (which it made me feel soooo much better to see Taylor, gave me a large amount of hope for this life) when i got a call from vicky, hysterically crying in all, she said i needed to go see annalisa, that she was scared for her cause she was saying she wanted to die.
so i go over there and we talk and we cry and now she is going to Laurette.
which i know they will help her, i know their wonderful people but i know shes scared.
i love her so much and whatever it is that is tearing at her, i know she can get through cause i know shes a strong solider.
and we, we can do this together
cause we most move on, not because we want to, but because its the only thing left to do
so im half way praying and half way 'sending my thoughts' to the high power of which has to exist.
really, it has to.

is it too late to remind you of how we were? (day 9)

i was using pandora when it found a song i used to love, well its terrible apporiate for the time being.

You could be happy and I won't know

But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wished I had not said

Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were

But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure

I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are

You made me happier than I'd been by far
Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment
it's all not true

(You Could be Happy) -Snow Patrol

(btw, my therapist is nice and nonjudgemental... Which is really all i needed to be able to open up, now all she has to do is her job)

day 7

These last days have been so weird.
Causes see, this was the thought process/ chain of events
I didn’t go to school on Thursday, I needed to reboot. So I spent some time with my mom. Its odd that we are actually growing close. Shes has been really understanding.
So then on Friday I was crying a lot, and it was hard to not think of him. See I love him. I cant explain how much. I cant explain my feelings for him. But sometime after the pep assembly for the game that our football team managed to butcher, when we were in the courtyard dancing to the drum line cadences and doin what we always do, I felt ok for just alil bitt. As I walked back to the band room with my besties I was thinking of how Ethan told me to enjoy the little things, and I let myself do that. So he had called me as I discovered. So I called him back and we talked some. It was lame, he was very brief in his words and it was hard to try to do the regular conversation stuff, of which was my goal. But he said I love you.. so even though I cried, I got off the phone happy and went to freeze my ass off at a lousy football game.
And then I talked to brian the next day. I needed an idea of what was going on in ethans head, even if he was unsure, his words and impact can be very high on the people living with him. I found out that from his view, we probably wont be getting back together, and I went upstairs and cried the grossest cry you would ever hear. But somewhere in talking to my mom for the next few hours, and despite the negative things brian said, I found myself relaying on the one and only positive thing he said, give it time. And before I went out with friends for a night I found these inspiring words “… keep the lessons and let the pain heal” that’s what I plan to do. If theres a god, I know he sent me those words and I plan to relay on those, forgive myself, and heal. And to be a better person for the time Ethan decides to come back.
Is it odd how much more I feel myself leaning towards a faith then before?
Do I believe in god now?
Can me and my mom really get along?
Is this possibly going to be one of the biggest lessons ive learned?
There’s a lot going on right now. More then just this taking a break thing
Anywho I went out with some friends both last night and this evening. And I had fun. I was happy and I was able to accomplish the, recently difficult, task of eating. its kinda pathetic though.. when im in this state- i have to have my mom iwht me, cause if i dont i know what will happen. (so recently, ive been just letting myself cry it out. no blood- promised him, i promised myself.. its so hard. but im gonig to fight it. i need to do this without the blade if i ever want to stop it. and i need to stop it)
This solider is comin back stronger. I have a cheesy faith in myself, which I didn’t know I had. All this shit is going to be tough and possibly, but I got this.

therapist visit tomorrow.. we'll see how that goes.

Day 4

of this whole 'taking a break idea'
And its stinging on me so terribly. Almost every second of these days are terrible. I just want a break from living; I want the world to continue without me for just a little while. Long enough for this to be over, is asking too much, I know, but this is so much more painful then anything I was ready for. I have had this aching anxiety of which has been entirely present ever since the second he said those 6 little, i-think-we-need-to-take-a-break, words. Its like my heart is swollen in my chest and is about to burst. My lungs can not seem find enough air to catch a breathe with, my stomach accepts nothing from this outside world and my head is swarming with all these terrible emotions, of which I can not manage by myself at all. I can not keep it together right now. I’m begging for the end of this. I’m begging for him to be done with this break and come back to me. There are so many things in my head that I wish I could revoke. I don’t know how I could treat someone that I love so much, this terribly. But I can change and I will. I will give him all the love in the world, because that is what he disserves. He is purely everything I want. I love him with ever ounce of my being. He is the single thing in my life that shines, he is apart from all the monochrome colors and monotone sounds. And I’m so scared that it’s too late to show him that. I’m so scared that this is the end.

emotions are truely odd things

cause when i woke up this morning i was crying, and i proceeded to cry on the way to school, during band, and calc class... and history class. (it did improve i wasn't as depressed, but i was still tearing up every few pathetic minutes). however after i had escaped over to find cata and maddie sitting outside for lunch and pour my (at this point emotionless) emotions onto them, i started to feel better as i walked upstairs for another satirical hour of econ. spencer didn't make science enjoyable, but i made it through. and by the last hour of the day, i was so numb and emotionless that nothing seemed to be able to touch me.

after the getting home, i talked to ethan and i cried many many times. but im better (at this point in time)because it at least appears that although we are taking a break, based on his decision, he isn't thinking this will be the end.

you know that feeling when you just know that everything will be ok?

yeah i wasn't feeling that for majority of the day.

but after talking to him again, i do... soooo i dont know what that means.. maybe things will be ok. i am really needing them to be.

current mood: numb and emotionless

scared

i haven't felt this afraid in a very long time. ethan decided to take a break. and its a long string of events that have led up to this, and i don't know if it will be a week or a month or forever. a break? whats a break?
cause i asked if we can still talk- yes
i asked if i can still say i love you- yes
and he said it was going to be hard to not call me baby
i dont want him to stop calling my baby, i dont want there to be a reason for him to stop calling me baby. i didnt want this to be over. and im so scared that it could be permanent. i dont want to be with anyone else but you. no one else in this world is like you, no one else in this world can make me feel like you do. and of course bad news never had good timing. right before winter break, a time of which i have been waiting for, for so long. a time where i could see him everyday if we pleaded. and we wont have that.
or maybe we will but realistically he said he didnt think we would be getting back together anytime soon. and maybe its a good thing he didnt know exactly how long it would be before maybe, just maybe, i could call him my boyfriend again. i mean.. hes not my boyfriend... im not ready for that. this is the person i am in love with. and im not 12 years old i didnt think things would be perfect forever or think we were going to get married but.. i didnt ever see us splitting up. i love him so much. i cant even explain how much i love him. and i say i would do anything for him and i would but how could i have dug myself into this pit with the everything i have done? to him? the way i drug him around in such an emotional rollar coaster. i mean i tore him apart and i have no one to blame but myself.. but this is a break.. and i can change i can show him how much i love him, by treating him the way he should be treated. in a break, i know people tend to look for other people.. that is not what i want i know certain things have happened before but there is no one that i want to be with besides him.
i love him more then anything.

its just so much better now

And so i have a sweet closure i was so desperately waiting for.
not really, i wouldn’t say desperately but i did indeed need it.
and i know i wrote that memorandum to myself, all those years ago, saying never to let you back in. i thought that meant things should never be ok between us, but that’s not what it was. i just wanted to be safe and certain that i resented you.
but i don’t.
Because even though your still that same person, and you think the same way, that wasn’t what i resented you for. it was what you did to me. and now.. how is it that i don’t care?
i really don’t know.
maybe its that ive seen so much more sting then those juvenile years... which is definitely not to undermine that occurrence. But it does put it in a different light.
Nether the less it doesn’t bother me anymore. Cause im at a different stage of life now.

and your a virgin

damn me

cause i keep forgetting about this whole blog thing. oh well. Im sure no one noticed (:
anywho
so recently..
He decided that he wasnt going to say those things to me or any other girls anymore, which i have never been so thrilled to hear such a thing. i guess i was alil manic and drove him away from killing the puppy. its pretty rediculous, how happy it made me, though.
that of which caused a general change in my recent mood.
i got a car >.<
that of which caused a general change in my recent mood.
me and ethan are getting along
that of which caused a general change in my recent mood.
and my parents and i are on basically decent grounds
that of which normally has no effect but lately has caused a general change in my mood.
(:
HUP!

scaring people into god

so this past weekend was eventful to say the least.
I went, for my first time to a n event called 'nightmare' hosted by Guts church. although I disagree with the method of attempting to scare people into Christ, I did feel it necessary to experience it. If only for the sole purpose of not talking out of my ass, when i discuss it.
Lets give an overall view on my take of it.
I went with ethan, annalisa, and Vicky. We Impatiently waited in line before arriving at the first room which was supposed to be us, dead. and two tour guides that would take us through the following rooms. the next room was an elevator with a guy who i guess was mad at us and wanted to shot us. mean while there were holes in the ground in which we were being poked with sticks through. It actually did make for a scary environment, although i did remain quiet calm, I'd say. not so much for annalisa and vicky. I believe this was the room they started to cry in. so me and ethan while trying to comfort and hold them forced them like chicklets through rooms, the crowd helped too...
oh yeah back to the rooms... umm there was the car accident room which to me didn't make much sense, there was a car smashed into a house however the car was not damaged but all of the kids managed to be covered in blood. next scene was a mall food court shoting, the girls were terrified but i think this one was the least of the terrible. following the food court was a date rape drug incident. this one was the only one that got to me but that is a more personal thing and we wont go into that. I did draw blood from clutching onto ethan though.. quickly followed was the suicide room. no scary stuff in this one, however the acting was wonderful.
then came the swamp room, due to the fact that a lovely lil creeper was playing with my hair and breathing down my back, I'm not sure what was going on in this room, i don't know if words were being said or if there was a point but it lasted for way too long. the only reason i continued let him play with my hair was I knew vicky would be his next target if i pulled away. So, as he smelled my hair, i waited ssssshhed vicky. despite my effort, he did get bored and started to grab at her hood. i did proceed to slap his hand and pull her hood back up over her hair. dear god they ran that swinging bridge out of that room.
the next room was odd. we were in a dark circular cage in which was spinning... pretty sure someone was saying something during this but the chicklets were like bawling at this point. on the way of being forced out by the massive crowd the girls fell and had to scatter back on up. walking into the next room was hardcore though, it was he fight room where they were beating up Jesus but they were playing 'get down with the sickness' and that was pretty cool :)
the last room was the devil room, where the devil said to go on like hell wont happen, it was pretty much a great opening to something else. sadly nothing else happened. we left the room past people who wanted to 'talk' to us about what we thought of it, but the truth is all they want to hear is 'yes i believe in god', 'sure you can pray for me'. althought thats happy, its not real. so us, as athiest teenagers, due to our knowledge of the fact that these people are not open minded to anything else, push past them and get the fuck out of there. its a great thing for people to get together and get scared. but they shouldn't try to say its anything else because the truth is you cant scare people into believing in god, you can only teach people to be scared of hell

I miss our sing alongs

...We got by though we never needed much,
a sliver of hope, no diamond rings.
we got high, it was heaven, it was hell.
flying over them with broken wings.....

We used to be friends

But you've changed so much.
And I refuse to let people that I identify as friends, treat me this way now (being a change). So I'll deal with you, cause I know I'm around you a lot. and I'll be nice to you, cause its hard to be mean. but I'm not going to try to make this work anymore. So yeah, we went through alot together. But its the old you I liked. The one who I played pen pall with, the one that I had water fights with during preband. I don't have any obligation to this new, self obsorbed, you. You've always been one to not open up. So I know your guarding your heart, but I am too, in that, I can't let you push this process of my own self distruction.

hey guess what?

i get to see ethan tonight :) I havn't see him in 3 weeks :/

and theres this feeling, i happen to love it, it happend everytime hes driving into t-town. im likea lil fucking puppy. my tails wagging and im putting on your favorite shirt. my tongue is slobbery and i wanna kiss you >.> heheheeeee


(you dont know what this boy means to me)

banksy?!?

Banksy is an English graffiti artist of which you should get to know.
He is known through out the world for his amazing street artwork. he started his career as a Bristol's DryBreadZ Crew member, working freehand in the underground Bristol scene. Over time he switched to the use of stencils due to the lesser amount of time to complete the piece, and I believe this is when he started working more individually.he is known for his flower chucking piece and depicting rats. his artwork is often humorous with a strong message. His work is anti-Establishment, anti-war, and offensive. I love it.

Some people become cops because they want to make the world a better place. Some people become vandals because they want to make the world a better looking place.

-bansy

lets kick it off <3

so last night was great.
But, inevitably, it got me thinking, how much I'm going to miss the graduating seniors this year. So last year was awful, with my boyfriend brother and taylor and well it goes on*, but losing the seniors this year? its hard to take.
we were chillin in the hot tub playing truth or dare. (mostly dare) deffinantly repeatable by the way. and the crazyness and comfort Ive found in these amazing people....
WHAT THE FUCK?
how am i supposed to do this without them?... And i know ill feel this hard-gulp thought again and again this year ( i did last year). so I'm thankful that I'm realizing this early enough in the year, before the marching season has kicked up, and before time has gotten so far away from me. cause i want this time to stand still if it could. for me. please? I'm glad I'm realizing this now, to make do of the time i have... to do all the things we shouldn't :)
aka.... spare the lecture lets DO this shit XD

*..(leigh, molly, stephanie, bobby, tamara meredith and ill shut up)

its as though your trying to arrive at death safely...

Im hope sick today. I have possibly been attacked by the swine. which is kinda ironic based on my insistace that the swine was no big deal. Im probably going to die, due to the fact that i never knocked on wood. anyways i cant find my environmental science text book making it difficult to do my study guide.
lets talk about my parents. I'll introduce you to both of them, for starters, but understand theirs a larger concept. my father, we dont get along exactly. I wouldnt say that we fight, cause we dont, we just dont speak to each other unless we are required to. due to this, we have dont have relationship.
My mother. She is the most controlling and unhappy person i have ever meet. lucky me, to have her as a mother. due to her controlling nature, we have arrived at a relationship, not based on love or understanding but on her constant insistance to have control over any situation. Now, let me explain to you how this can make a person so terribly unhappy. Imagine planning a party, spending a large amount of time and money. then when this event arrives, instead of enjoying it, your trying are still trying make it perfect for everyone else. your not part of it. Your simply standing by taking pictures and making sure everyone else is content. now in the midst of it someone wants celebrate in a way that wasnt on your schedule. Because of the unpredictable aspects of this party or of life, in general, she becomes upset. considering that life itself is unpredictable, you can imagine how unhappy of a person she is.

And the thing is I'm not like this at all, theres a part of the world that i want to see someday, i dont want to try to live safely, cause life isnt safe. life is risky in itself. why try to run from the inevitable? Why not embrace it? i ask you this because i truely believe that the day you decide to live safely is the very day your heart, and passion dies. Seeing this in own parents hurts. When thier so scared to live... when they watch their lives away on TV. (dear god i hate TV and the distruction of creativity it brings) and their content to spend their nights at home. sitting. and being babysat by this little black screen.
I am so scared of becoming this way.

classroom rainbows and bitches

ive been busy so i havnt writin a lovely little blog in a while but schools started so you really cant blame me. in the world of blogging, on of my ex best friends has decided to quietly, secretly and slowly disband me from allowing one of his friends to become friends with me. a friendship I believed i needed to servive an AP environmental science class. not that it should be hard but, well the reasons are truely numerous. I am, however really enjoying my economics class, my teacher, Sloan, happends to be incredibly smart, and entertaining which means not only do i not fall asleep but i actually learn something. we talk alot. which is good. my english class is great. me cameron and sabi just sit and talk the whole time. my teacher lost every bit of control within the first few minutes of class. oh and i think i might be Bi.
I'm just pretty sure i am, but maybe im just what they refer to as 'curious'. u see in this wonderful english class we were talking and I believe it was Sabi who misunderstud my words and was li ke 'wait... ur bisexual?' really loud and everyone turns around in this crazy random shock, just to chatch a glimps of a bi sexual teenager.. im sitting there wondering, how do i answer this? cause i dont know really. Im a terribly honest person. I really believe that is a flaw too. Anywho, i guess somewhere between the answer being asked and everyone looking at me like wide eyed elf monkeys I figured it was a posiblity and excepted it quickly.
My ex, from forever ago joined a facebook group, "Gays are gross" when i saw that, i cringed. i cant explain the violent urge i had to lecture each of these fellow classmates of mine, individually for a very large time. urgh i dont understand hyprocritical christians :P you see, christians as i understand are supposed to love each other, love doesnt seem to pour from the descriptive adjective, Gross...........meh.
~oh jeeze fuck my life
yours truely>
kelsey

So He told me i should start a blog

And i have. Many times, really. its just i forget the password or i get bored of it. But you see this time is different. Cause im going to keep it up.
I want to be a political journalist. But i also want to be a artist. or a photographer. or a psychologist or a small business owner. so you see what type of perspective im at right now...
But i guess this blog is kinda to help me get used to writing. i love writing. i started a notebook in 5th grade, now that Im in a Junior in high school, i think its a good thing that i did. you see it has alot of things in it. everything that a fucked up teenage life should have in it. and its almost like reading a work of fiction cause you take this innocent little 8th grade girl, who likes the same boy all year, and then you give her a guy who she'll fall in love with and you see her get ripped up over the course of a year. And you see what horrible thoughts she thinks. and what she does to herself. so you give her cigarettes and then you see her introduced to sexuality. in all aspects. So you add a year. You teach her about friends and you give her a group of 150 kids who are weird and exciting and who she loves. and you giving her a lasting relationship. with a guy. Who lets her open up about things she didnt want to. And like all good relationships, it goes bad. and thats it. you cant be friends. So you hurry into another relationship, which is. oddly, a good thing. But you have to teach her what death really is. so her friends dad kills himself. and her ex's mom dies from heart disease. and a friend shoots and kills someone. so now its time for her to discover drugs. nothing major, because shes happy agian. Just something fun. And you let her have sex for the first time. and experience the question of pregnancy. and learn how to sneak around.
sorry. that was unnescisary wasnt it? but iguess its just alot has happened. i dont think thats what this blog will be about. but who knows.