christmas eve

and i mean i really dont give a fuck. i never was too big on Christmas, i mean im sure i was when i was little, but not the last few years.
i feel greedy and my whole family is constantly asking what do you want, what do you want?
and im like, get me what you want me to have.
and they look at me funny
sighhhh
so i really dont think people get the whole giving side of christmas, its wants.
but yeah. i have these butterflies in my stomach that dont seem to subside.
you guessed it; Ethan.
i havnt called him in 7 days exact.
i mean im kinda proud that i made it that long cause you see, he wants his space.
and ive been doing quite alright until today. my stomach is just so anxious. i plan on texting him tomorrow. a simple merry christmas. i dont expect him to text me back, or anything liek that. im just crossin them fingers and hoping for the best.
and i was thinking maybe on saturday i could invite him to go to church with me on sunday. and we'll just see how that goes.
im not confident in it. im not cocky. but i am hopeful.
by the way i think its mean to have dumped me so close to the holidays. things would have been fucking perfect. i wanted to take him to turkey mountain for a cold picnic and have sex in my new car, and go ice skating and bake and have a food fight and cuddle and watch movies and go on an exploration again. just like the old days. its fucking perfect.
but no.cause he pooped all over my plans
and for that i call you a jack ass.
but for no other reason :)