i can feel the weight agian

and i just want to curl up and die.
suicide it bad right? so please, someone kill me.
i miss him so so much. i almost fall apart.
cant you feel me reaching out to you?
i want that grasp more then ive ever wanted anything.
and you say your sad..
which is a double edge sword
(i mean dude i cried when u had to drop calc, because i couldnt seem to make you feel better. i couldnt get you to think that you wernt a failure, it tore me apart)
cause im torn that you arnt happy.
but im a weeee bit glad you arnt,
cause maybe.. just maybe.. its cause your not with me?
maybe?
i mean its possible...
slkdhaksdhlksadh
I JUST WANNA KISS YOU AND PROMISE THAT IT'LL BE BETTER.



(no one can make me feel the way you do. no one can compare to you)

isnt it fantastic that i have gone 5 days with out being sober?
.... :/

if the weather perments,

i have a 'date' tomorrow
i mean if that's what it is, im never really sure.
cause im never lucky enough to have things be the way their supposed to be.
ughh
sometimes i think im really getting better-
like im over him, im moving on
which sure.. i am
but its only because i spend a considerable amount of effort blocking out lots and lots of thoughts and lots of lots of memories.
i don't know what i want anymore. i don't know what i feel anymore.
i know if i was to break for a small second. id cry. and all the realizations of how in love with him i am, will flood back.
cause sometimes when im alone, it happens.
and for a second, sometimes i pretend that your still here with me, and i can still smell you.
but its not real.
cause you dont even smell like that anymore.




this weapon is so cuddly and so lovable- its fucking amazing!

funny the way it is, when you think about it

my emotions are running so fast. i cant even pick them apart enough to know how i feel. and theres so many different feelings for so many different people.
theres someone new..
and hes a GOOD guy. like i think the ratio is going at about 1 in 30 some
but hes definantly a good guy..
he asked me to get a bite sometime, and talk about, sadly, the things that have been going on with me.. im just kinda bad at it cause well.. i really dont know whats going on.. and i dont wanna scare him away

p.s

remember that whole 'secret little box' thing?
(no of course you don't)
i haven't been able to put anything in it so long. and i want to sooo bad. but the funny thing is, you don't even know what'd you'd put in it,

if you could.

theres major irony in my password

but umm story time..
you see kelseys a dumb slut. cause the other night, kelsey went over to geb's house. she got kinda drunk and had sex with him. the next day, kelsey couldnt even remember if he wore a condom or not. kelsey needs to pull her act together
....
yeah. i dont know either. im in love with ethan. waiting around makes me feel even more pathetic. cause he said he would call me on Monday, he didnt. i mean im sure hes busy but couldnt he have, with extreme ease, texted me and told me that he wouldn't be able to.
but ya know, i really dont deserve his attention
the worst part. i kinda like geb, as a friend, i wanted to be his friend. i don think he does 'friends' with girls. i think he just fucks them. why the fuck did talking to him make me so happy? can we go back to that please? friends with benefits sounds amazing actually. but i got confused and thought he wanted something more. so i guess i tried to slow things down... cause if it was something more, we were moving way too fast for me. but.. it wasnt..
which im not sure if im disappointed about that.
gawd i dont know what i want from this kid.
sex? maybe
friends? yes
more then friends? no
i mean having sex with him wasnt nearly as good as having sex wih ethan. cause sex with someone u love means something. sex with someone you dont love, doesnt mean anything. GOD IM SO FUCKING PHILOSOPHICAL, RIGHT? haha
wooot
but seriously.
small print cause i dont actually want anyone to read this one :)

i talked to him last night

and geeze i want him back so bad. i miss him so much. saying i miss him is an understatment. its like a hole has been ripped through my chest and im trying to replace it with odds and ends friendships, booze and boys. these replacements are fickile and fake. but i dont trust myself to be alone anymore. i like the company but i more so need the company. and in that, im not sure whats real anymore.
i want rob to pick, he can hate me or love me as long as its consistant i honestly dont care anymore.
i want geb to be okay with being friends with benefits. i like hanging out with him. i like kissing him. i dont want those things to have anything to do with each other.
i want cheap laughs and cheap wines, just something to fill the time.
but these things are just replacements
cause having him is having everything. how in the world did i not see this before?
GAWD KELSEY YOUR A DUMB FUCK.
coughcough, anywhos
when we talked, it was all about recent news, fears and the future. and the things hes gonig through.. i feel terribly defensless agianst them. its like i cant reach out for him anymore and say 'baby i love you dont be sad' anymore
im his number one fan, but im not allowed to show it. and that made me cry. (but he didnt know).
i really dont cry that much anymore. but thats only because i dont think that much.
im mindless.
oh and he said he missed me. he really, really shouldnt have said that to me. nope, bad idea.

this i believe

in moving on.
As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back. <3

i dont know whats right and whats real anymore

things seem so much more uncertain now then ever before
and i want to get high and stoned so i dont have to think
about ANY of this
i want to see geb
i dont care if he doesnt care, as long as he doesnt get hurt we could do this and be fine
and whats the big picture now anyways?
moving on or staying happy?
i dont have a single certain thing in my life right now.
ethan made everything so much more certain. so much more realistic.and things were so much more barable.
now i cant be alone. it scares me.
ive always loved the company but seriously. this. is TOO much.
ps"{ that pill you gave me is working wayyy longer then i thought it would..

scrambling

cause of course im into him.
but kissing him was like kissing my bestie. i mean its fun sure, but i didnt feel anything. at all. no spark.
he was really numb from his ex. see, she was a bitch, and he was numb for a long time, and just went for the physical stuff. and him wanting that from me, ok yeah sure i could save that for something later on. (im a horny person, dont hate me)
but now he likes me. as something more, when he didnt want to. and i dont really know how to react.
hes nice, hes funny. an i would be all over his (very nice) body, if i wasnt, ya know, still in love with ethan...
and still.. want to be back with him sometime... which is a path that takes me..? where?

so how far do i let him into my life? i really really dont want to hurt him. not after his last relationship.
idk. maybe im reading into this too much. hopefully he isnt as into me as it seems...

remember how simple things used to be? i could lived in those days forever.
(which makes me think of the pond at the park)
maybe this would be easier if i just came down for 5 seconds. but everytime i do my lungs fill up like the ocean. so we cant do that. we have to stay up in the sky.

oh dear lordy

i dont know what the fuck im doing
trying to get over him? maybe
cause i know i would be soooo much more into him if ethan.. i dont know never exsisted in my life?
cause me and ethan are just friends. okay thats good. things are good. but i want things to be more someday and is going after another guy the way to do it?
im in no possition to move on...
but i am sooo into him..
(okay,so i just exagerated, big time but i do enjoy talking to him)
so why am i interested in this new guy thats just kinda popped up into my life?
not just interested..
goddamn i have no idea what is happening.
this guy, i dont want to hurt him..
im so not ready to move on at all, so why am i trying to?
im a pretty independent person. i mean i can be, as long as i dont get used to being attached. i really manage well. so why am i trying to attach myself to something else?

so were friends

and you said, may i quote you "were glad we hung out and that it was ok, we'd get the friends thing down."
those words take me higher then ive been in a while. its amusing how you get used to feeling so low.. you have to adjust to the feel of contentment.
the kissing was something of us, feelings, that im glad and terrified for. feelings, that you had been trying to change into something else. something hateful and awful, i can tell.i must say, im so glad you’ve given up on that.
i even told you i felt nervous thatd id mess up and you would get sick and bitter agian.
you told me "no worries" that you wouldn’t kick me to the curb the first time i flopped.
i can do things on your terms, if thats what you fancy. Cause I believe I’ll be able to kiss you agian someday.
And that fills my heart up so much <3






:/










..... FUCK.

what the fuck are you doing?

so i dropped off his stuff earlier today.
we meet at bona, we sat and talked for alittle bitt. mostly about him, his last few weeks.. i really didnt know what to say.. (he is the best small talker ive ever meet, but somehow i dont think he realizes that small talk doesnt always help the situation.) but somewhere in the chatting we started to flirt, in the slightest way.. and somehow i was holding his hand..
im not ballsy at all, i dont make moves unless i feel confortable. idk why the fuck i felt confortable. cause im not. at all. like, trust me.
and well..he said he wanted to show me something.. so i followed him to his car to see his hookah.. we hugged and held each other for a sec (and agian with the ballsiness, im turning male or something) and i kissed his neck.. and then we kissed. when our lips meet agian, it was like a first kiss.
and we kissed and kissed and held each other.
i just dont know what it means for us..
because he tried to explain what he was feeling.. but he couldnt.. because he doesnt know what he wants..
he says he misses me, he misses us. but he doesnt want to go out again.
for now..
but i dont know how long 'for now' is
he might call me tonight if he can, but either way im seeing him on Wednesday.
(maybe).
(if he still wants to and can)
(im expecting him to change his mind so dont worry)

Remember we used to dance and everyone wanted to be you and me? I want to be too

tomorrow

is the first day of the second semester, back from winter break.
sadly, it was just recently becoming enjoyable.
but whatever.. thats not what this is about
i texted ethan and told him that he needed to take his stuff back,
he said ok and asked if tomorrow would work... i really thought that he would just pick it up or something. but he asked if id meet him at Bona and we could talk for alil bit.
of course this is what i wanted. i want to talk to him, see what is going through his head. maybe figure thing out alittle bitt.
but now im terribly nervous. i dont know what the fuck im even supposed to say to him.
but considering hes the on arranging it, i guess its his shindig this time.
im so anxious..
wish me luck

things haven't been that bad though lately. Ive spent alot of time with Cata. she makes me feel better.
we had the lamest new years eve together, but i liked it at the same time.
first time to buy beer.
haha woot!
they dont id, i thought that shit was just in movies. but lucky us
and so we went back to my house at a way too early time for new years eve and just chilled. drinking and talking.
then we did the same thing a couple days later.
we just ramble and ramble at each other for hours and dont get bored.
i like it.

but also with assorted band people.
which makes me alil eager to get back to seeing their faces daily.
and annalisa,
shes been in austin with her dad.
i fuckin cant wait to see her tomorrow (:

but mannn
tomorrow, tomorrow...

january 1.

the stupidest date to be born on.
gah i feel like shit. i hung out with some friends earlier. which was fun, i guess. but altogether a lame as birthday.
i just dont know what im doing here anymore idk what i want. im trying to move on. for that to work i need distractions. lots and lots of distractions. i want to be talking to guys.. meeting people and such. but its suprisingly hard to do. (especially when no one is EVER sober in this god damn town. i mean hey i got my excuses but is this allyou ever do?)
but i just cant be thinking about him. it makes me cry so fast.
Im not calling him. texting. facebook. any of that. that part is neccisary. and calling him would do no good.
I dont know what i need. i think i need to heal but to heal i need to get over him. is that possible?
i have the worst anxiety.
i hate not seeing my friends. i hate that im stuck here at home, sick. it just makes me feel like i dont have any friends. especially today. wow im so lame.
i hate birthdays
they make me feel like i have this terrible expectation from others to be happy.