hatethis

i need to get far, far away from here. from all the famine of sadness and the emptiness surrounding us.
im in no position to help her. im in the same rut ive been in for so long.

i havnt written in a while

its funny how much i have waited for summer to arrive.
but once it had, there was nothing.
youve been in town for a week and i havnt seen you.
your busy. always so busy. im busy to but i would make time. but i guess our priorities are different...
losing a boyfriend wouldnt have been hard if i didnt lose my best friend in the process.
i miss you. so so much more then i ever could have imagined.
and i have changed. but you havnt.
not enough to give me a second chance that i know i deserve. and not enough to just be there for the person who you supposibly loved.
(this is bitter, i know)

what do you say?

i know that pain.
i knew it to this distinctive extreme
before that situation, i had never felt anything of that extreme.
my insides hurt and a sting was rising out of my chest. i couldnt grasp a breathe. my mind was wired and racing. filled with terrible feelings of failure, worthlessness, betrayal and as though everything i believed we felt mutually- was nonexistant.
and so when one of your friends is trying to reach out to you cause their scared, cause their facing these awkward emotions. what do you do?
i dont know what else there is to do. so i sat with her and held her hand and hugged her. kissed her on her forehead. but i dont know. am i missing something? it breaks my heart to see someone in this level of hurt.
all the while im fighting it, to my best ablity, to not calapse into that state. so arnt i just living a lie?
i dont know whats right and whats real anymore. i have a group of people around me, that id like to call friends. i have a family im building a relationship with. but somehow somethings missing. and it has been for a long time.

GAWD

i love you so much <3
more then anything.
and honestly it made me so happy when you said "why are you so good to me?"
cause that means im good to you :DDD
(happy easter by the way)
i want to be good for you. i want to be the one that makes you happy.
i dont wanna be extra stress on you or anything like that.
I WANT TO PROVE IT TO YOU
(with a million kisses and hugs)
i brought you to the parking garage last night
no one in this world would apreciate it as much as i knew you would (:
thats why you are the only person i shall ever want to share it with.
(que to feel special) >.<
"im praying to a god that i ('m not sure that i) believe in"
that maybe, god will be generous to us, he will bless and keep safe you (cause i wont lie, you scare me sometimes) and he will find a nifty lil way to make you not stress out so much..
ya know?
skhdkshdklfhdklhfk okay ya
i think i might give you the notes, if i see you today >.< idk though..

i have a lump in my throat

i got to see you agian today
we hung out three times over spring break and today, after you took a friend to the airport ou stayed intown to work on a project and wait for me to get off school. we hung out... kinda i mean i was complelty okay with it, im happy enough just that i an be sitting beside you.. but when time came were we could talk.. idk i couldnt explain it to you.. or why it was important..
ive come to notice that yu dont know anyhing of whats going on in my life.. idk what to do about that.. idk what to say.. i cant put anything into words.. i wanna talk about when we broke up and what it did to me, not dwell, just let you know. and how ive changed and how i never wanna go back to how it was before. i want to talk about the recent, cause you dont even know.. i wanna tell you about these dreams but im scared. idk why i just get nervous saying anything going on in my life.. it makes em terribly nervous. GOD i am so confused.
IVE BEEN SO CONFUSED FOR SO SO LONG.
and i HATE it.
i mean ughhhhhh its YOU
and i love YOU so much.. you dont even know..
its just all this uncertainty.
it scares me.
you said i love you..

tell me

SUSPENSE
i could really live without it, i think. at least right now.. im so nervous.. im waiting for him to.. 'reboot' i guess to say. he says hes so used to being so stressed out from beign busy that not beign busy is.. idk
its weird.. but i think hes being honest, and i understand, then.
then well hang out. and well talk... about us, him, me.. i have to tell him about geb.. thatll be fun.. ugh i just hope he understands. i thinkit was just a darker point in my life.
well... this could be it..
i just hope it is.. cause collapsing in your arms.. never sounded more sweeter
dear lordy i need to sop tearing up >.<

wish me luckkkk

and sometimes i get nervous, when i see an open door

close your eyes, clear your heart
cut the cord

imagining the possibilities makes my heart race, and i dance around my room and smile to myself so big cause everything in my heart is bouncing around, cause its YOU
and im sure i shouldn't get this excited, but your slurred words sounded alot like "i love you"s and "baby" s
maybe im mistaken, but even so, you talk to me like you used to.
i wanna do the cheesy things we used to,
because hopes of wrestling matches cloud my mind.

i build my hopes on bridges made of dung, but your words so perfect, i just cant help it. im taking the chance.