hatethis

i need to get far, far away from here. from all the famine of sadness and the emptiness surrounding us.
im in no position to help her. im in the same rut ive been in for so long.

i havnt written in a while

its funny how much i have waited for summer to arrive.
but once it had, there was nothing.
youve been in town for a week and i havnt seen you.
your busy. always so busy. im busy to but i would make time. but i guess our priorities are different...
losing a boyfriend wouldnt have been hard if i didnt lose my best friend in the process.
i miss you. so so much more then i ever could have imagined.
and i have changed. but you havnt.
not enough to give me a second chance that i know i deserve. and not enough to just be there for the person who you supposibly loved.
(this is bitter, i know)

what do you say?

i know that pain.
i knew it to this distinctive extreme
before that situation, i had never felt anything of that extreme.
my insides hurt and a sting was rising out of my chest. i couldnt grasp a breathe. my mind was wired and racing. filled with terrible feelings of failure, worthlessness, betrayal and as though everything i believed we felt mutually- was nonexistant.
and so when one of your friends is trying to reach out to you cause their scared, cause their facing these awkward emotions. what do you do?
i dont know what else there is to do. so i sat with her and held her hand and hugged her. kissed her on her forehead. but i dont know. am i missing something? it breaks my heart to see someone in this level of hurt.
all the while im fighting it, to my best ablity, to not calapse into that state. so arnt i just living a lie?
i dont know whats right and whats real anymore. i have a group of people around me, that id like to call friends. i have a family im building a relationship with. but somehow somethings missing. and it has been for a long time.

GAWD

i love you so much <3
more then anything.
and honestly it made me so happy when you said "why are you so good to me?"
cause that means im good to you :DDD
(happy easter by the way)
i want to be good for you. i want to be the one that makes you happy.
i dont wanna be extra stress on you or anything like that.
I WANT TO PROVE IT TO YOU
(with a million kisses and hugs)
i brought you to the parking garage last night
no one in this world would apreciate it as much as i knew you would (:
thats why you are the only person i shall ever want to share it with.
(que to feel special) >.<
"im praying to a god that i ('m not sure that i) believe in"
that maybe, god will be generous to us, he will bless and keep safe you (cause i wont lie, you scare me sometimes) and he will find a nifty lil way to make you not stress out so much..
ya know?
skhdkshdklfhdklhfk okay ya
i think i might give you the notes, if i see you today >.< idk though..

i have a lump in my throat

i got to see you agian today
we hung out three times over spring break and today, after you took a friend to the airport ou stayed intown to work on a project and wait for me to get off school. we hung out... kinda i mean i was complelty okay with it, im happy enough just that i an be sitting beside you.. but when time came were we could talk.. idk i couldnt explain it to you.. or why it was important..
ive come to notice that yu dont know anyhing of whats going on in my life.. idk what to do about that.. idk what to say.. i cant put anything into words.. i wanna talk about when we broke up and what it did to me, not dwell, just let you know. and how ive changed and how i never wanna go back to how it was before. i want to talk about the recent, cause you dont even know.. i wanna tell you about these dreams but im scared. idk why i just get nervous saying anything going on in my life.. it makes em terribly nervous. GOD i am so confused.
IVE BEEN SO CONFUSED FOR SO SO LONG.
and i HATE it.
i mean ughhhhhh its YOU
and i love YOU so much.. you dont even know..
its just all this uncertainty.
it scares me.
you said i love you..

tell me

SUSPENSE
i could really live without it, i think. at least right now.. im so nervous.. im waiting for him to.. 'reboot' i guess to say. he says hes so used to being so stressed out from beign busy that not beign busy is.. idk
its weird.. but i think hes being honest, and i understand, then.
then well hang out. and well talk... about us, him, me.. i have to tell him about geb.. thatll be fun.. ugh i just hope he understands. i thinkit was just a darker point in my life.
well... this could be it..
i just hope it is.. cause collapsing in your arms.. never sounded more sweeter
dear lordy i need to sop tearing up >.<

wish me luckkkk

and sometimes i get nervous, when i see an open door

close your eyes, clear your heart
cut the cord

imagining the possibilities makes my heart race, and i dance around my room and smile to myself so big cause everything in my heart is bouncing around, cause its YOU
and im sure i shouldn't get this excited, but your slurred words sounded alot like "i love you"s and "baby" s
maybe im mistaken, but even so, you talk to me like you used to.
i wanna do the cheesy things we used to,
because hopes of wrestling matches cloud my mind.

i build my hopes on bridges made of dung, but your words so perfect, i just cant help it. im taking the chance.

goodbyes are just words

and i died a millon times

but umm we talked today and it was good.. right? i mean ok heres the points

he called me baby +2
he said he missed me +3
he told me of the dreams he had of me +3.5
he said he wished i was there, like we said to each other all the time +3.5
and he was comfortable enough to fall back asleep on the phone, and im sure thats not that big of a thing but well ya know how a mind like mine works +1

it silly, im sure.. but i love him more then anything i have ever known.
and although that adds up to 13,
i have 30 negative points agianst me.
so i guess thats why my brain still doesnt believe it. that it could happen or that it is happening..

i wish i could express this to you

i don't ever want to go back to how things were.
not the bad, at least.
there were things that i did, ways that i treated you. i don't ever want to do that to you again. i want to be here for you. i want to be the one who makes you happy again.
i have this list in the back of my mind of all these little things i want to do for you, someday...
baby, i love you more then anything.
i just hope i get the chance to prove that to you.
god, hearing your voice, you sounded so unhappy, i couldn't help myself, i cried for you. i want you to be happy... i want to make you happy
i love you..

.

i dont just want sex.

WAITING GAME

i seem to do it alot.. but you said u'd call me, and that you wanted to...
and i wont lie when i got that text, the mood i was in- launched me through the ceiling. and i started dancing around my room and i couldn't stop smiling
(young, naive, immature.. whatever man, it was HAPPY)
you know that's what you do to me right?
....
i made a mental list of all the things i would do,if given the chance, for you. all the sweet little things i had floating around in my head, from back before we broke up. little explorations and picnics... i really hope they happen. god i just want a chance to make it happen,
i just want a chance to be all i want to be for you.


...i had the worst dream the other night. i still havnt really said anything about them well, i told rob i started having the nightmares agian. gawdd idk.. i never knew them to seem this real.. and they have tried to tap into all my fears and i just cringe. i mean.. ok lets start small.. car accidents. idk why but any mangled metal fucking freaks me the fuck out. ive only seem the products of a few god awful accidents but.. idk. there was a car. er remnants of a car. (you know how sometimes in dreams, things exist, yet thy arnt anywhere, they are in no particular place) well it was simply existing, if you will. and then it started to unravel itself and i could see them, the people, i didnt know them, yet i loved them and the weight on my heart made it sink down too deep. i felt all the worst feelings of anguish over and over agian. the type that seems to steal all of your energy and leave you starved. i could feel all of there physical pain but i couldnt reach them to stop it. for the pain had paralyzed me too. everything moved so slowly.. theyre bodies were bending back to shapes but they wouldnt stop screaming and the blood that covered them never disapears it just sat on them and continued to build. and by the end they were drowned in it. sometimes i see my children (er future children, i guess) being torn to shreds and i dont have these images, i dont even know where the fucking kidney is. i dont have the capacity to think ny of this up. but i see them and i see it all. i just see them being torn apart. from every angle. its in slow motion.. i am aware of everything they are experiencing. all the senses including the extrasensery. yet the most painful is seeing them in it. i woke up to the sound of myself throwing up. AND THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE DUE TO ATONY PARALYSIS. seriously, this defiantly qualities as rem sleep and although i agree with my paralysised body dthat it was a good idea to go to the toliet to throw up, i do not understand how this is possible.

sak;hdakfhdf
okay now im worked up.

its funny

cause you said youd be there for me

fkshfhdlhflkshfuosdkahsdoiayrklfhdksfhdkfhdffddssdfgdfgdyf
i didnt believe you though, so i guess its okay. right?

and you must really know how to cut where the wound is, cause you know i wanna be the one you can come to. but all youll tell me is that your not happy. thats ALL youll ever fuckin tell me.

Baby's so high that shes skying, yeah she's flying afraid to fall...

your a ghost without a face to me again
and again and i remember how refreshing it always was to see your face after days and weeks and almost months. i would miss you so much. and i miss you so much now. baby... your world is my world, your fight is my fight
but you wont let me fight your fights, you wont let your world intertwine with mine.
and these games you play.. i just cant. im sure i did before. but i cant. not anymore.
baby i love you and im standing here, on my tippy toes, waiting for you.

*remember when we used to sit in that damned catholic church and play tumb wars and id tap your hand three times, for the 3 lil words i loved to say to you.

da du du bum bump bump bump aump pu a rump ump ump

"All is going according to plan. Trust that there is a bigger picture. Trust that life is unfolding as it should."

...know that every statement i make about god is a "If there is a god" statement..
with that in mind..
i think its an odd way to reach me, im not going to lie, but i do appreciate it and encourage it.
see i have a "god wants you to know" app on fb, i know, kinda lame but i like it.
well that is aparently what god wanted me to know today.
and ill tell you why its odd
i had a date with shane tonight, and it was incredibly fun and incredibly... forward. and i liked that, hes not trying to play games, like every other person in this god damn town. i mean im just not into that 'hidden message' stuff.
BUT what this is about is, if god is trying to tell me something, hes telling me that things are going according to plan.. things are going as they are supposed to. meaning me, trying to move on, is what is supposed to be happening..
now, although that is some type of reassuring.. idk that THAT was exactly what i was wanting.
Shane is like such a great guy i already know i like him a fair amount, but well im kinda still in love with ethan.
which is a lil bit of a pickle, id say.
but that isnt all that that told me... you see if all is going according to plan and life is unfolding as it should-- sorry god but you are kinda givin me the okay to keep doing what im doing.. which includes sneaking around to see this kid... and all the other times i sneak around?... i think yes :)
CHAAA CHINGGG
but i truely believe that. sorry. but honestly i wouldnt be who i was, if i didnt. i wouldnt be the fun person that damn it i am!
and you know what, things are going good. im starting to like myself. in a way that i really never have. because really, i am a good person, i am a fun person. and im not that unattractive. :P
so HAA positive outlook on life starts now :)

oh i have a question..

how the FUCK do asians type on a keyboard? like do they have the little symbol things or what? like how would that work?

If i told you things i did before
told you how i used to be would
you go along with someone like me?
if you knew my story word for word had all of my history
would you go along with someone like me?

i wouldnt :)

i have dreams of orca whales and owls but i wake up in fear (which isnt true by the way)

bob: hey how are?

andrew: okay, im really tired.

bob: andrew like.. how tired are you?

andrew: dude.. i am like really tired



just a convo i heard a few days ago that my head screamed WTF!? to.

:)

btw

im not at school tday, cause im sick

*cough cough*

but really, i slept until like 30 minutes ago (being like 1130) so exhausted. i feel like im in a fog.

i got to do my english paper on human trafficking :P ugh sorry but its bull shit man

im doing okay though, happy... maybe, im not sure..

god, so the good guys are confusing and the bd guys are just, well their the bad guys. i dont wanna have sex with you again, why am i headed towards that? ha. dumbbb kelseyyy, yeah shes really dumb.

on friday i might go bowling with some of my friends and include shane, in on it.

but hes just a confusing person. cause he was saying he wanted to bring a friend, but then he said he was just excited to be able to hang out with me. id like to just be friends... i think, but i kinda like him alil bit too.. and geb, ugh im still mad at you! i just wish i could go back to when we were friends. that was cool. and you dont even know the difference between what we are now, and then.

ME AND MY FRIENDS WOULD CALL THAT LOW QUALITY!







(all of it doesnt hold any true importance in my head, cause i truely believe.. maybe.. someday i will be able to hold you again and kiss you- thats more then any other hope i want to hold)

i have the worst case of system overload when it comes to this town..
you know theres some places you go, that are new to you, youve never traveled there before. and when you return to your more natural enviroment- and you think back to that place, sometimes you dont think of exactly what went on there, but.. perhaps a single thought you had there. for instance, you go to turkey mountain and get plastered with a group of people you dont particularly enjoy, yet when thinking back to this moment you can only think of how you promised to/ begged to bring your ex-lover to.
but thats the thing, i dont have this for a majority of this goddamn town. cause im so used to everything. its all so familiar, yet none of it is comforting..?

ramblings of an idiot.
probably.

just one more touch of your heart

and well im okay right now. cause i talked to you the other day and we talked about so much, you- how you are. me- but im so vague, i would've been so irritated with myself but well you wernt. us- how we miss each other. and we talked about memories, 'remember whens' along with aggravations,
which i cant blame you.
but you see all those aggravations, i want to put them in a little box and throw them out a window. cause that's not what i want to be to you. at all.
i want to be there for you
someone you can tell good stories and bad stories to.
someone you can complain to.
someone you can turn to.
and someone who will kiss your forehead again. and tell you it will be okay.
i know it wasnt all bad, those days before. i know there were a few right turns in there.
second chance?
maybe someday...
but i think things are okay for now
if i can talk to you somedays, well yeah i like that.
(happy?)
(for now, and its ok that way)

okay.

my mother has a million reasons for why she fell asleep on the coach last night, every night, but all of them seem to be insistent that it has nothing to do with my father. thats funny.

i found the best part of town today. when i *cough* went to study at the library. the sunset is microtiny with a gazillion rays sprouting from it, from there. (when your high as balls)

me and my brother have these dreams in common that our (now decest)(sp WOW WTF) pet hamsters have shrunk into tiny balls and well in mine they climb up the chimney and fountain from the top and i haveto run outside to capture them, but their tiney and theyre so hard to find
i used to wake up thinking i had fallen asleep with my hamster and look for him and after like 10 minutes i would realize i was only dreming that and go back to sleep feeling like a crazy person

we used to let my hamster sit in the living room. he would curl up in a little ball and sleep. maybe he was scared, i never thought about that. he would just freeze and not move.
then one day i came back from the kitchen and he had rolled over. i knew he was about to die, my mom didnt think so and she kept picking him up and moving him, i told her osmething was def wrong. he normally wasnt that bad. i yelled for my brother and sat on the coach with him on my tummy. he liked doing that. i would always read or draw with him there. but then i said i thought he was gonig to die. and i saw him breathe his last lil hamster breath.
all animals LOVE whipcream.

oh the moon and the stars shine for you

i feel like moving on would be a very good thing for me..
a large part of me is hoping that by writing this down, it will reinforce it. and it will become more believable.
and therefore, making these words actions.
dont get me wrong, i still love you more then anyone else could.
but this. this isnt healthy for me.
and i know life isnt always about being happy. and ill always be here for you. and i guess if you ever would take me back..
but thats not how im thinking of things anymore.
i dont think there really is anything different in this little resolution. maybe its just the mindset. yeah i guess thats it.
but idk.. Anita's happy, Anita is moving on. shes quiet inspiring.
cats moving on.
and ethans moving on.
i really need to follow the trend everyone seems to be setting.
i think i need your thoughts and prayers on this one..

*ya know.. i hate to say this but everything from our past has become so bitter sweet..and sometimes youve said it "sweat dreams" and etc.. and its cute and i like it alil.. but i also cringe.

fuck

haha so much for the not communicating with him thing..
i texted him and asked if we could talk. idk why i did that. it was one of those impulse things.
ughhhhhh
whatever. knowing him, it wont happen...
is that a good thing? to try to look at him in a negative light?
cause when rob talked bad about him, i still disagreed.
(by the way i think its really fucked up to untag yourself from all the pictures of us together on facebook. yeah that still gets to me)

i really hate missing you this much.
and i wonder if he knows how much hes hurt me. i wonder if he would give a damn

after all that we've been through, i know were cool.

i went to a coffee shop to see tulsas own, callie.
she was really good, and cuteee if i might say so.
i went with rob, we went to dinner beforehand. i guess he took it as a date O.o whatever
he tried to make a move, dont worry i didn't let him. at all.
we ended up talkin, sitting outside a Walgreen's. im sure i sounded like such an emo kid. but talking to him made me feel better. made me feel loved. and i was comforted by the knowledge that i still had a friend in this person whom Ive gone through soo much with.
he told me i needed to work on moving on.
and i kinda have been right? just... not with the actual intentions of moving on. haa im lame..
im sorry, i just kinda love this Ethan kid...
but, i still try my hardest, to be happy. its difficult. to not indulge in the feelings he has left me with.
but im going to do the- not call, not text, thing again (well see how long it lasts)
cause honestly kelsey, if he cared how you were doing, he would ask.
(oh and by the way i think its really fucked up that you even mentioned the idea of telling people you were a virgin and that we never had sex.WTF MATE)

that was a bad night

i wont lie.
but its not like things are ever much better.
saying 'i miss you' is an understatement. cause being without you is so much more painful then anything I've ever felt.
and I'd like to say it gets better with time, but it really doesn't. the pain just sits there inside of you. and you try your hardest not to collapse into it. you fill your time with friends and work and 'things that need to get done'. but when all you ever really lived was with a particular person, whose presence is now nonexistent, living doesn't really seem to happen.
that doesn't mean I'm not content at certain points throughout the day. i am.. i just cant believe how much i.. took advantage of our time together. the days we did absolutely nothing; i would give anything to experience that again.

i cant believe i managed to fuck up the best thing I've ever had.

... doesnt this picture tend to move?

i thought it might help me to just make a list

you know how osmetimes youll be thinking about something so much and its just nice to really get it out on paper.
well pardon this, but i honestly need to.
i need to go through it all.
all the things i loved about us.. and maybe i could... idk.. im not sure what the point of this is.

remember way back when,
when we started talking online about homecoming, for some reason i decided i wanted to go with you, despite the fact that, honestly, we never were that good of friends.
our first inside joke, "sweat dreams". and you never let me forget it :)
when we would go to bona with taylor, and i would ask questions about god. and with a bible and computer in hand we'd sip on 'waffles' and discover our own answers
and this guy, whose breath smelled back told me about this gay club i should visit, sometime.
and the first face to face conversation we had, just you and me. it was about how you burnt your eyelashes and eyebrows off, whenevers ago.
and probably one of the best days of my life, you me taylor and christine were running around after working a band contest. fighting for man points and going to your house for the first time.
one word. homecoming. it was the night that seems so.. perfect. i had this guy.. who i was so so into.. friends, everything. it was perfect. and our first kiss... (similar to twilight ive figured, minus the lip biting and i-want-your-blood shit) it was the most amazing first kiss ive ever experienced.. and walking into my house that night, i was walking on the moon. :)
and we could never get away from bona, it was our default. and taylor and christine, yeah we started that.
the band trip to st. louis. we talked about past relationships and sex. and, and i touched your penis >.>
and i remember how on fire we were for each other. and with the being late to band stuff and an awkward moment of being seen by my mother and brother, we made a decision, together, to bring it down a bit
andyou brought me and taylor drifting for the first time. and i thought "does this kid know what the fuck hes doing!?" but you did, and it became a favorite pass time.
when we snuck into that church that was under construction and i felt liek such a bad ass i coulda just died
and we made a gingerbread house, and i pointed out your color blindness on an obnoxious level, but you showed off your architectural skills you had acquired from tech :)
ad we went to the park and you told me about your dream day of spending the day at the park with a special someone. and so with our recent love for sushi, i took you to the park with homemade sushi and we watched the sun set
and over christmas break you meet my extended family. and of course they had to go and talk about peeing in the shower
and we started going to life church together, you were scared tat i didnt really like it, but it was the start fo something that im still very much a part of.
and when i finally turned 16. i was upset that morning, and u came over and made me better. you took me to salvastonos and shopping. followed by a suprise bday party with all my friends. and thats still one of the best days of my life.
and how you umm 'defended my honor' but in reality it was just a puppy at the park.
all of our favorite 'parking' spots
which resulted in the first time i was completly naked around you. and youd think id feel unconfortable, but i never felt more comfortable.
time just flew by, we made a ritual of going to eat on saturday, life church and then we'd go exploring- graffiti, memorial, banksy and post secrets, the mall. everything
and the first time that u interduced me to jake, and you could tell that i was nervous so you held my hand.
and all the times we 'almost' had sex. oh my. the time your uncle was asleep downstairs, all the hickeys i got that night... but hell, those 2 hours.. hehe unreplacable.
i have this blur of memories, of all the times we would just be in your car driving- a dr pepper on hand, my arms around yours- some dave matthews going- we'd talk about everything. our hopes dreams and regrets. we never seemed to need anything to entertain us. and we were so so invinsible. nothing seemed to touch us...
i remember when brian used to think i was 'cool' and he used to tell you, you were lucky to have a girlfriend like me... i really wish i never fucked that up...
i remembe the birthday party i threw for you. it wasnt actually on your birthday.. on your birthday we went to the riverwalk parking lot. we talked and you tried to get my to rip stick for the millionth time. its kinda lame how little progress i made, compared to how much time we invested in it... :) but i gave you a hickey, just cause i guess i had made it on my own for like 5 ft. yeah your parents noticed that night. that was awkward... but somewhere between the drunk girls at th concert and waiting forevers to pee, i couldnt have been happier to be with you on your day..
and prom. dear god. haha as we were dancing, somehow, me grinding on you, made your pants keep sliding down haha and we saw brian REALLY get into the music. the limo, the melting pot, ihop and how exhausted we were.. it was amazing.
the next morning, we woke up with the same feeling, we were o in love.a nd you came over and we wrestled and played and kissed and made pinapple pizza. we never needed anything to entertain us.
oh dear lord. wrestling? i never got enough of that. and we'd walk around the house, me, propped on your shoulders, and you ran me into the ceiling post. YEAH. but i guess its fair since i pushed you infront of a truck.. opppsies ;)
and that one time we had a marker fight. somehow beign with you, i never could seem to stop smiling.
and we saw the toll of death. michaels dad. but rob's mom was the hardest. and i didnt even cry untill you came over. you were my strong man when i needed you. even if it was my ex's mother.
the first time we had sex. i can tell you the order fo the day form dawn to dusk.. but well.. idk.. it was so right. and i felt like the nasty things that were done to me, wasnt a part of me anymore. it was replaced by the most beautiful thing ive ever known, that was love. and then we went to ihop :)
and graduation came, i told you i was upfront jealous of you. cause it never seemed right to me... with you taylor and nathan- i went through graduation with you guys that year. so having 2 more years.. kinda fucked with me.. but what bugged me the most was that i didnt get a picture with you after it :P i didnt ever find you >.< the summer can some friendly. and we would spend the days together in any way we could. just being at my houe or yours. at your grandmas pool, the mall, exploring, eattin out way too much and cooking, the park, everywhereee
and we were at your grandmas pool this one particular time. we talked about the future. our future. our lives, together. and we had sex in water for the first time, and took a shower together for the first time. and i jumped in a pool naked for the first time. you and me together. it was everything to me
and we would talk like that alot, about havign kids, what they would be like, how we would raise them.. it seemed so perfect..
i rememebr all the times i would make u a turkey and chz sandwich and bring it to you while you were working. and id lean across the counter and bug you while you saw to customers
everything that happend that summer, im sure the bad justifies the break up.. but there was always so much good. there were always so many things i had to look forward to.
and the summer sun, it most have ampified the way i felt for you. cause when we sat in your car behind quicktrip and talked about you going away, and how we could make it through these 2 years, you were all i ever needed. (continue)

i can feel the weight agian

and i just want to curl up and die.
suicide it bad right? so please, someone kill me.
i miss him so so much. i almost fall apart.
cant you feel me reaching out to you?
i want that grasp more then ive ever wanted anything.
and you say your sad..
which is a double edge sword
(i mean dude i cried when u had to drop calc, because i couldnt seem to make you feel better. i couldnt get you to think that you wernt a failure, it tore me apart)
cause im torn that you arnt happy.
but im a weeee bit glad you arnt,
cause maybe.. just maybe.. its cause your not with me?
maybe?
i mean its possible...
slkdhaksdhlksadh
I JUST WANNA KISS YOU AND PROMISE THAT IT'LL BE BETTER.



(no one can make me feel the way you do. no one can compare to you)

isnt it fantastic that i have gone 5 days with out being sober?
.... :/

if the weather perments,

i have a 'date' tomorrow
i mean if that's what it is, im never really sure.
cause im never lucky enough to have things be the way their supposed to be.
ughh
sometimes i think im really getting better-
like im over him, im moving on
which sure.. i am
but its only because i spend a considerable amount of effort blocking out lots and lots of thoughts and lots of lots of memories.
i don't know what i want anymore. i don't know what i feel anymore.
i know if i was to break for a small second. id cry. and all the realizations of how in love with him i am, will flood back.
cause sometimes when im alone, it happens.
and for a second, sometimes i pretend that your still here with me, and i can still smell you.
but its not real.
cause you dont even smell like that anymore.




this weapon is so cuddly and so lovable- its fucking amazing!

funny the way it is, when you think about it

my emotions are running so fast. i cant even pick them apart enough to know how i feel. and theres so many different feelings for so many different people.
theres someone new..
and hes a GOOD guy. like i think the ratio is going at about 1 in 30 some
but hes definantly a good guy..
he asked me to get a bite sometime, and talk about, sadly, the things that have been going on with me.. im just kinda bad at it cause well.. i really dont know whats going on.. and i dont wanna scare him away

p.s

remember that whole 'secret little box' thing?
(no of course you don't)
i haven't been able to put anything in it so long. and i want to sooo bad. but the funny thing is, you don't even know what'd you'd put in it,

if you could.

theres major irony in my password

but umm story time..
you see kelseys a dumb slut. cause the other night, kelsey went over to geb's house. she got kinda drunk and had sex with him. the next day, kelsey couldnt even remember if he wore a condom or not. kelsey needs to pull her act together
....
yeah. i dont know either. im in love with ethan. waiting around makes me feel even more pathetic. cause he said he would call me on Monday, he didnt. i mean im sure hes busy but couldnt he have, with extreme ease, texted me and told me that he wouldn't be able to.
but ya know, i really dont deserve his attention
the worst part. i kinda like geb, as a friend, i wanted to be his friend. i don think he does 'friends' with girls. i think he just fucks them. why the fuck did talking to him make me so happy? can we go back to that please? friends with benefits sounds amazing actually. but i got confused and thought he wanted something more. so i guess i tried to slow things down... cause if it was something more, we were moving way too fast for me. but.. it wasnt..
which im not sure if im disappointed about that.
gawd i dont know what i want from this kid.
sex? maybe
friends? yes
more then friends? no
i mean having sex with him wasnt nearly as good as having sex wih ethan. cause sex with someone u love means something. sex with someone you dont love, doesnt mean anything. GOD IM SO FUCKING PHILOSOPHICAL, RIGHT? haha
wooot
but seriously.
small print cause i dont actually want anyone to read this one :)

i talked to him last night

and geeze i want him back so bad. i miss him so much. saying i miss him is an understatment. its like a hole has been ripped through my chest and im trying to replace it with odds and ends friendships, booze and boys. these replacements are fickile and fake. but i dont trust myself to be alone anymore. i like the company but i more so need the company. and in that, im not sure whats real anymore.
i want rob to pick, he can hate me or love me as long as its consistant i honestly dont care anymore.
i want geb to be okay with being friends with benefits. i like hanging out with him. i like kissing him. i dont want those things to have anything to do with each other.
i want cheap laughs and cheap wines, just something to fill the time.
but these things are just replacements
cause having him is having everything. how in the world did i not see this before?
GAWD KELSEY YOUR A DUMB FUCK.
coughcough, anywhos
when we talked, it was all about recent news, fears and the future. and the things hes gonig through.. i feel terribly defensless agianst them. its like i cant reach out for him anymore and say 'baby i love you dont be sad' anymore
im his number one fan, but im not allowed to show it. and that made me cry. (but he didnt know).
i really dont cry that much anymore. but thats only because i dont think that much.
im mindless.
oh and he said he missed me. he really, really shouldnt have said that to me. nope, bad idea.

this i believe

in moving on.
As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back. <3

i dont know whats right and whats real anymore

things seem so much more uncertain now then ever before
and i want to get high and stoned so i dont have to think
about ANY of this
i want to see geb
i dont care if he doesnt care, as long as he doesnt get hurt we could do this and be fine
and whats the big picture now anyways?
moving on or staying happy?
i dont have a single certain thing in my life right now.
ethan made everything so much more certain. so much more realistic.and things were so much more barable.
now i cant be alone. it scares me.
ive always loved the company but seriously. this. is TOO much.
ps"{ that pill you gave me is working wayyy longer then i thought it would..

scrambling

cause of course im into him.
but kissing him was like kissing my bestie. i mean its fun sure, but i didnt feel anything. at all. no spark.
he was really numb from his ex. see, she was a bitch, and he was numb for a long time, and just went for the physical stuff. and him wanting that from me, ok yeah sure i could save that for something later on. (im a horny person, dont hate me)
but now he likes me. as something more, when he didnt want to. and i dont really know how to react.
hes nice, hes funny. an i would be all over his (very nice) body, if i wasnt, ya know, still in love with ethan...
and still.. want to be back with him sometime... which is a path that takes me..? where?

so how far do i let him into my life? i really really dont want to hurt him. not after his last relationship.
idk. maybe im reading into this too much. hopefully he isnt as into me as it seems...

remember how simple things used to be? i could lived in those days forever.
(which makes me think of the pond at the park)
maybe this would be easier if i just came down for 5 seconds. but everytime i do my lungs fill up like the ocean. so we cant do that. we have to stay up in the sky.

oh dear lordy

i dont know what the fuck im doing
trying to get over him? maybe
cause i know i would be soooo much more into him if ethan.. i dont know never exsisted in my life?
cause me and ethan are just friends. okay thats good. things are good. but i want things to be more someday and is going after another guy the way to do it?
im in no possition to move on...
but i am sooo into him..
(okay,so i just exagerated, big time but i do enjoy talking to him)
so why am i interested in this new guy thats just kinda popped up into my life?
not just interested..
goddamn i have no idea what is happening.
this guy, i dont want to hurt him..
im so not ready to move on at all, so why am i trying to?
im a pretty independent person. i mean i can be, as long as i dont get used to being attached. i really manage well. so why am i trying to attach myself to something else?

so were friends

and you said, may i quote you "were glad we hung out and that it was ok, we'd get the friends thing down."
those words take me higher then ive been in a while. its amusing how you get used to feeling so low.. you have to adjust to the feel of contentment.
the kissing was something of us, feelings, that im glad and terrified for. feelings, that you had been trying to change into something else. something hateful and awful, i can tell.i must say, im so glad you’ve given up on that.
i even told you i felt nervous thatd id mess up and you would get sick and bitter agian.
you told me "no worries" that you wouldn’t kick me to the curb the first time i flopped.
i can do things on your terms, if thats what you fancy. Cause I believe I’ll be able to kiss you agian someday.
And that fills my heart up so much <3






:/










..... FUCK.

what the fuck are you doing?

so i dropped off his stuff earlier today.
we meet at bona, we sat and talked for alittle bitt. mostly about him, his last few weeks.. i really didnt know what to say.. (he is the best small talker ive ever meet, but somehow i dont think he realizes that small talk doesnt always help the situation.) but somewhere in the chatting we started to flirt, in the slightest way.. and somehow i was holding his hand..
im not ballsy at all, i dont make moves unless i feel confortable. idk why the fuck i felt confortable. cause im not. at all. like, trust me.
and well..he said he wanted to show me something.. so i followed him to his car to see his hookah.. we hugged and held each other for a sec (and agian with the ballsiness, im turning male or something) and i kissed his neck.. and then we kissed. when our lips meet agian, it was like a first kiss.
and we kissed and kissed and held each other.
i just dont know what it means for us..
because he tried to explain what he was feeling.. but he couldnt.. because he doesnt know what he wants..
he says he misses me, he misses us. but he doesnt want to go out again.
for now..
but i dont know how long 'for now' is
he might call me tonight if he can, but either way im seeing him on Wednesday.
(maybe).
(if he still wants to and can)
(im expecting him to change his mind so dont worry)

Remember we used to dance and everyone wanted to be you and me? I want to be too

tomorrow

is the first day of the second semester, back from winter break.
sadly, it was just recently becoming enjoyable.
but whatever.. thats not what this is about
i texted ethan and told him that he needed to take his stuff back,
he said ok and asked if tomorrow would work... i really thought that he would just pick it up or something. but he asked if id meet him at Bona and we could talk for alil bit.
of course this is what i wanted. i want to talk to him, see what is going through his head. maybe figure thing out alittle bitt.
but now im terribly nervous. i dont know what the fuck im even supposed to say to him.
but considering hes the on arranging it, i guess its his shindig this time.
im so anxious..
wish me luck

things haven't been that bad though lately. Ive spent alot of time with Cata. she makes me feel better.
we had the lamest new years eve together, but i liked it at the same time.
first time to buy beer.
haha woot!
they dont id, i thought that shit was just in movies. but lucky us
and so we went back to my house at a way too early time for new years eve and just chilled. drinking and talking.
then we did the same thing a couple days later.
we just ramble and ramble at each other for hours and dont get bored.
i like it.

but also with assorted band people.
which makes me alil eager to get back to seeing their faces daily.
and annalisa,
shes been in austin with her dad.
i fuckin cant wait to see her tomorrow (:

but mannn
tomorrow, tomorrow...

january 1.

the stupidest date to be born on.
gah i feel like shit. i hung out with some friends earlier. which was fun, i guess. but altogether a lame as birthday.
i just dont know what im doing here anymore idk what i want. im trying to move on. for that to work i need distractions. lots and lots of distractions. i want to be talking to guys.. meeting people and such. but its suprisingly hard to do. (especially when no one is EVER sober in this god damn town. i mean hey i got my excuses but is this allyou ever do?)
but i just cant be thinking about him. it makes me cry so fast.
Im not calling him. texting. facebook. any of that. that part is neccisary. and calling him would do no good.
I dont know what i need. i think i need to heal but to heal i need to get over him. is that possible?
i have the worst anxiety.
i hate not seeing my friends. i hate that im stuck here at home, sick. it just makes me feel like i dont have any friends. especially today. wow im so lame.
i hate birthdays
they make me feel like i have this terrible expectation from others to be happy.