state of being

heart? empty, cause you were what filled it
mind? filtering, but doesnt seem to help anything
soul? missing you, dearly
hopes and dreams? non exsistant
ideas for a future? no specific direction

i dont think i can do this anymore.

christmas eve

and i mean i really dont give a fuck. i never was too big on Christmas, i mean im sure i was when i was little, but not the last few years.
i feel greedy and my whole family is constantly asking what do you want, what do you want?
and im like, get me what you want me to have.
and they look at me funny
sighhhh
so i really dont think people get the whole giving side of christmas, its wants.
but yeah. i have these butterflies in my stomach that dont seem to subside.
you guessed it; Ethan.
i havnt called him in 7 days exact.
i mean im kinda proud that i made it that long cause you see, he wants his space.
and ive been doing quite alright until today. my stomach is just so anxious. i plan on texting him tomorrow. a simple merry christmas. i dont expect him to text me back, or anything liek that. im just crossin them fingers and hoping for the best.
and i was thinking maybe on saturday i could invite him to go to church with me on sunday. and we'll just see how that goes.
im not confident in it. im not cocky. but i am hopeful.
by the way i think its mean to have dumped me so close to the holidays. things would have been fucking perfect. i wanted to take him to turkey mountain for a cold picnic and have sex in my new car, and go ice skating and bake and have a food fight and cuddle and watch movies and go on an exploration again. just like the old days. its fucking perfect.
but no.cause he pooped all over my plans
and for that i call you a jack ass.
but for no other reason :)

i cant explain the way youve made me feel

the hope that got me through, day to day, is demolished, because you, in no way want to be with me again. you, in no way, want to give me a second chance.
before you, i didn't see a future for myself, i couldn't get myself to see a likeness of myself out of school. you gave me a dream of a future, and because it was with you, it seemed logical, it seemed possible. but you've taken that away, and now I'm back to where i was, but so, so much weaker. because before you, i was independent and self sufficient. when i meet you, i trusted you, and i gave you everything my body and mind could offer, i gave it all to you. with faith in you, and in our love.
without it, what am i?
what do i have? what hope do i have?
you taught me that i was worth something. that my body was still pure, despite what happened all those years ago. and i willingly let you in. in many ways, in ways i didn't know before you. all because of the feelings you gave me, the feeling of not wanting to ever be with anyone besides you.
And i still feel that. so, so much. but you don't..?
and i don't understand.
because i thought the good out weighted the bad. I thought the love we had was invincible. and i thought you could have talked to me about it. you decided not to, and i guess I'm the one who has to suffer for that.

there is no peace that ive found so far.

its hard, this whole day to day thing.
i wish i didnt do the things that messed things up for us
i wish he would give me a second chance to show him how much i love him
i wish i was up at college now

my emotions pin ball back and forth constently, i cant get myself to be happy when i should be.
I cant get myself to fake a smile when i feel this way.
I look at other people with their boyfriends, peoples who relationship, i thought was weaker then us, and their still together as we arnt.
How can i be happy without you?
you were the only bright thing i found in a world of monochrome colors.
i would give anything to have him back.
he said maybe we could try it agian when im up at college, when ive matured some. he shouldnt have said that, cause i think thats the only hope i am holding onto right now.
he also said we could try to be friends, and if i can keep myself from crying, maybe that will be the closest thing to be happy i will be able to muster.

god give me strength

i feel somewhat calm and content

day 1
at least i know its over
cause he told me today.. i guess i called him enough, he finally decided he had to face it.
and theres no chance well get back together apparently.
i fucked things up too much
but im not mad at my self, because even though i did mess things up, it was him he doesnt want to give me a second chance, and its him who doesnt want to see/ talk to me.
ughh. its still alot to think about. and it was making me sick at our winter concert.
but bigger stuff has happened
(or, id say, of about equivalent proportions)
see i was at tin star with some old graduated friends (which it made me feel soooo much better to see Taylor, gave me a large amount of hope for this life) when i got a call from vicky, hysterically crying in all, she said i needed to go see annalisa, that she was scared for her cause she was saying she wanted to die.
so i go over there and we talk and we cry and now she is going to Laurette.
which i know they will help her, i know their wonderful people but i know shes scared.
i love her so much and whatever it is that is tearing at her, i know she can get through cause i know shes a strong solider.
and we, we can do this together
cause we most move on, not because we want to, but because its the only thing left to do
so im half way praying and half way 'sending my thoughts' to the high power of which has to exist.
really, it has to.

is it too late to remind you of how we were? (day 9)

i was using pandora when it found a song i used to love, well its terrible apporiate for the time being.

You could be happy and I won't know

But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wished I had not said

Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were

But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure

I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are

You made me happier than I'd been by far
Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment
it's all not true

(You Could be Happy) -Snow Patrol

(btw, my therapist is nice and nonjudgemental... Which is really all i needed to be able to open up, now all she has to do is her job)

day 7

These last days have been so weird.
Causes see, this was the thought process/ chain of events
I didn’t go to school on Thursday, I needed to reboot. So I spent some time with my mom. Its odd that we are actually growing close. Shes has been really understanding.
So then on Friday I was crying a lot, and it was hard to not think of him. See I love him. I cant explain how much. I cant explain my feelings for him. But sometime after the pep assembly for the game that our football team managed to butcher, when we were in the courtyard dancing to the drum line cadences and doin what we always do, I felt ok for just alil bitt. As I walked back to the band room with my besties I was thinking of how Ethan told me to enjoy the little things, and I let myself do that. So he had called me as I discovered. So I called him back and we talked some. It was lame, he was very brief in his words and it was hard to try to do the regular conversation stuff, of which was my goal. But he said I love you.. so even though I cried, I got off the phone happy and went to freeze my ass off at a lousy football game.
And then I talked to brian the next day. I needed an idea of what was going on in ethans head, even if he was unsure, his words and impact can be very high on the people living with him. I found out that from his view, we probably wont be getting back together, and I went upstairs and cried the grossest cry you would ever hear. But somewhere in talking to my mom for the next few hours, and despite the negative things brian said, I found myself relaying on the one and only positive thing he said, give it time. And before I went out with friends for a night I found these inspiring words “… keep the lessons and let the pain heal” that’s what I plan to do. If theres a god, I know he sent me those words and I plan to relay on those, forgive myself, and heal. And to be a better person for the time Ethan decides to come back.
Is it odd how much more I feel myself leaning towards a faith then before?
Do I believe in god now?
Can me and my mom really get along?
Is this possibly going to be one of the biggest lessons ive learned?
There’s a lot going on right now. More then just this taking a break thing
Anywho I went out with some friends both last night and this evening. And I had fun. I was happy and I was able to accomplish the, recently difficult, task of eating. its kinda pathetic though.. when im in this state- i have to have my mom iwht me, cause if i dont i know what will happen. (so recently, ive been just letting myself cry it out. no blood- promised him, i promised myself.. its so hard. but im gonig to fight it. i need to do this without the blade if i ever want to stop it. and i need to stop it)
This solider is comin back stronger. I have a cheesy faith in myself, which I didn’t know I had. All this shit is going to be tough and possibly, but I got this.

therapist visit tomorrow.. we'll see how that goes.

Day 4

of this whole 'taking a break idea'
And its stinging on me so terribly. Almost every second of these days are terrible. I just want a break from living; I want the world to continue without me for just a little while. Long enough for this to be over, is asking too much, I know, but this is so much more painful then anything I was ready for. I have had this aching anxiety of which has been entirely present ever since the second he said those 6 little, i-think-we-need-to-take-a-break, words. Its like my heart is swollen in my chest and is about to burst. My lungs can not seem find enough air to catch a breathe with, my stomach accepts nothing from this outside world and my head is swarming with all these terrible emotions, of which I can not manage by myself at all. I can not keep it together right now. I’m begging for the end of this. I’m begging for him to be done with this break and come back to me. There are so many things in my head that I wish I could revoke. I don’t know how I could treat someone that I love so much, this terribly. But I can change and I will. I will give him all the love in the world, because that is what he disserves. He is purely everything I want. I love him with ever ounce of my being. He is the single thing in my life that shines, he is apart from all the monochrome colors and monotone sounds. And I’m so scared that it’s too late to show him that. I’m so scared that this is the end.