emotions are truely odd things

cause when i woke up this morning i was crying, and i proceeded to cry on the way to school, during band, and calc class... and history class. (it did improve i wasn't as depressed, but i was still tearing up every few pathetic minutes). however after i had escaped over to find cata and maddie sitting outside for lunch and pour my (at this point emotionless) emotions onto them, i started to feel better as i walked upstairs for another satirical hour of econ. spencer didn't make science enjoyable, but i made it through. and by the last hour of the day, i was so numb and emotionless that nothing seemed to be able to touch me.

after the getting home, i talked to ethan and i cried many many times. but im better (at this point in time)because it at least appears that although we are taking a break, based on his decision, he isn't thinking this will be the end.

you know that feeling when you just know that everything will be ok?

yeah i wasn't feeling that for majority of the day.

but after talking to him again, i do... soooo i dont know what that means.. maybe things will be ok. i am really needing them to be.

current mood: numb and emotionless

scared

i haven't felt this afraid in a very long time. ethan decided to take a break. and its a long string of events that have led up to this, and i don't know if it will be a week or a month or forever. a break? whats a break?
cause i asked if we can still talk- yes
i asked if i can still say i love you- yes
and he said it was going to be hard to not call me baby
i dont want him to stop calling my baby, i dont want there to be a reason for him to stop calling me baby. i didnt want this to be over. and im so scared that it could be permanent. i dont want to be with anyone else but you. no one else in this world is like you, no one else in this world can make me feel like you do. and of course bad news never had good timing. right before winter break, a time of which i have been waiting for, for so long. a time where i could see him everyday if we pleaded. and we wont have that.
or maybe we will but realistically he said he didnt think we would be getting back together anytime soon. and maybe its a good thing he didnt know exactly how long it would be before maybe, just maybe, i could call him my boyfriend again. i mean.. hes not my boyfriend... im not ready for that. this is the person i am in love with. and im not 12 years old i didnt think things would be perfect forever or think we were going to get married but.. i didnt ever see us splitting up. i love him so much. i cant even explain how much i love him. and i say i would do anything for him and i would but how could i have dug myself into this pit with the everything i have done? to him? the way i drug him around in such an emotional rollar coaster. i mean i tore him apart and i have no one to blame but myself.. but this is a break.. and i can change i can show him how much i love him, by treating him the way he should be treated. in a break, i know people tend to look for other people.. that is not what i want i know certain things have happened before but there is no one that i want to be with besides him.
i love him more then anything.

its just so much better now

And so i have a sweet closure i was so desperately waiting for.
not really, i wouldn’t say desperately but i did indeed need it.
and i know i wrote that memorandum to myself, all those years ago, saying never to let you back in. i thought that meant things should never be ok between us, but that’s not what it was. i just wanted to be safe and certain that i resented you.
but i don’t.
Because even though your still that same person, and you think the same way, that wasn’t what i resented you for. it was what you did to me. and now.. how is it that i don’t care?
i really don’t know.
maybe its that ive seen so much more sting then those juvenile years... which is definitely not to undermine that occurrence. But it does put it in a different light.
Nether the less it doesn’t bother me anymore. Cause im at a different stage of life now.

and your a virgin

damn me

cause i keep forgetting about this whole blog thing. oh well. Im sure no one noticed (:
anywho
so recently..
He decided that he wasnt going to say those things to me or any other girls anymore, which i have never been so thrilled to hear such a thing. i guess i was alil manic and drove him away from killing the puppy. its pretty rediculous, how happy it made me, though.
that of which caused a general change in my recent mood.
i got a car >.<
that of which caused a general change in my recent mood.
me and ethan are getting along
that of which caused a general change in my recent mood.
and my parents and i are on basically decent grounds
that of which normally has no effect but lately has caused a general change in my mood.
(:
HUP!