scared

i haven't felt this afraid in a very long time. ethan decided to take a break. and its a long string of events that have led up to this, and i don't know if it will be a week or a month or forever. a break? whats a break?
cause i asked if we can still talk- yes
i asked if i can still say i love you- yes
and he said it was going to be hard to not call me baby
i dont want him to stop calling my baby, i dont want there to be a reason for him to stop calling me baby. i didnt want this to be over. and im so scared that it could be permanent. i dont want to be with anyone else but you. no one else in this world is like you, no one else in this world can make me feel like you do. and of course bad news never had good timing. right before winter break, a time of which i have been waiting for, for so long. a time where i could see him everyday if we pleaded. and we wont have that.
or maybe we will but realistically he said he didnt think we would be getting back together anytime soon. and maybe its a good thing he didnt know exactly how long it would be before maybe, just maybe, i could call him my boyfriend again. i mean.. hes not my boyfriend... im not ready for that. this is the person i am in love with. and im not 12 years old i didnt think things would be perfect forever or think we were going to get married but.. i didnt ever see us splitting up. i love him so much. i cant even explain how much i love him. and i say i would do anything for him and i would but how could i have dug myself into this pit with the everything i have done? to him? the way i drug him around in such an emotional rollar coaster. i mean i tore him apart and i have no one to blame but myself.. but this is a break.. and i can change i can show him how much i love him, by treating him the way he should be treated. in a break, i know people tend to look for other people.. that is not what i want i know certain things have happened before but there is no one that i want to be with besides him.
i love him more then anything.