day 7

These last days have been so weird.
Causes see, this was the thought process/ chain of events
I didn’t go to school on Thursday, I needed to reboot. So I spent some time with my mom. Its odd that we are actually growing close. Shes has been really understanding.
So then on Friday I was crying a lot, and it was hard to not think of him. See I love him. I cant explain how much. I cant explain my feelings for him. But sometime after the pep assembly for the game that our football team managed to butcher, when we were in the courtyard dancing to the drum line cadences and doin what we always do, I felt ok for just alil bitt. As I walked back to the band room with my besties I was thinking of how Ethan told me to enjoy the little things, and I let myself do that. So he had called me as I discovered. So I called him back and we talked some. It was lame, he was very brief in his words and it was hard to try to do the regular conversation stuff, of which was my goal. But he said I love you.. so even though I cried, I got off the phone happy and went to freeze my ass off at a lousy football game.
And then I talked to brian the next day. I needed an idea of what was going on in ethans head, even if he was unsure, his words and impact can be very high on the people living with him. I found out that from his view, we probably wont be getting back together, and I went upstairs and cried the grossest cry you would ever hear. But somewhere in talking to my mom for the next few hours, and despite the negative things brian said, I found myself relaying on the one and only positive thing he said, give it time. And before I went out with friends for a night I found these inspiring words “… keep the lessons and let the pain heal” that’s what I plan to do. If theres a god, I know he sent me those words and I plan to relay on those, forgive myself, and heal. And to be a better person for the time Ethan decides to come back.
Is it odd how much more I feel myself leaning towards a faith then before?
Do I believe in god now?
Can me and my mom really get along?
Is this possibly going to be one of the biggest lessons ive learned?
There’s a lot going on right now. More then just this taking a break thing
Anywho I went out with some friends both last night and this evening. And I had fun. I was happy and I was able to accomplish the, recently difficult, task of eating. its kinda pathetic though.. when im in this state- i have to have my mom iwht me, cause if i dont i know what will happen. (so recently, ive been just letting myself cry it out. no blood- promised him, i promised myself.. its so hard. but im gonig to fight it. i need to do this without the blade if i ever want to stop it. and i need to stop it)
This solider is comin back stronger. I have a cheesy faith in myself, which I didn’t know I had. All this shit is going to be tough and possibly, but I got this.

therapist visit tomorrow.. we'll see how that goes.