its as though your trying to arrive at death safely...

Im hope sick today. I have possibly been attacked by the swine. which is kinda ironic based on my insistace that the swine was no big deal. Im probably going to die, due to the fact that i never knocked on wood. anyways i cant find my environmental science text book making it difficult to do my study guide.
lets talk about my parents. I'll introduce you to both of them, for starters, but understand theirs a larger concept. my father, we dont get along exactly. I wouldnt say that we fight, cause we dont, we just dont speak to each other unless we are required to. due to this, we have dont have relationship.
My mother. She is the most controlling and unhappy person i have ever meet. lucky me, to have her as a mother. due to her controlling nature, we have arrived at a relationship, not based on love or understanding but on her constant insistance to have control over any situation. Now, let me explain to you how this can make a person so terribly unhappy. Imagine planning a party, spending a large amount of time and money. then when this event arrives, instead of enjoying it, your trying are still trying make it perfect for everyone else. your not part of it. Your simply standing by taking pictures and making sure everyone else is content. now in the midst of it someone wants celebrate in a way that wasnt on your schedule. Because of the unpredictable aspects of this party or of life, in general, she becomes upset. considering that life itself is unpredictable, you can imagine how unhappy of a person she is.

And the thing is I'm not like this at all, theres a part of the world that i want to see someday, i dont want to try to live safely, cause life isnt safe. life is risky in itself. why try to run from the inevitable? Why not embrace it? i ask you this because i truely believe that the day you decide to live safely is the very day your heart, and passion dies. Seeing this in own parents hurts. When thier so scared to live... when they watch their lives away on TV. (dear god i hate TV and the distruction of creativity it brings) and their content to spend their nights at home. sitting. and being babysat by this little black screen.
I am so scared of becoming this way.