and geeze i want him back so bad. i miss him so much. saying i miss him is an understatment. its like a hole has been ripped through my chest and im trying to replace it with odds and ends friendships, booze and boys. these replacements are fickile and fake. but i dont trust myself to be alone anymore. i like the company but i more so need the company. and in that, im not sure whats real anymore.
i want rob to pick, he can hate me or love me as long as its consistant i honestly dont care anymore.
i want geb to be okay with being friends with benefits. i like hanging out with him. i like kissing him. i dont want those things to have anything to do with each other.
i want cheap laughs and cheap wines, just something to fill the time.
but these things are just replacements
cause having him is having everything. how in the world did i not see this before?
GAWD KELSEY YOUR A DUMB FUCK.
coughcough, anywhos
when we talked, it was all about recent news, fears and the future. and the things hes gonig through.. i feel terribly defensless agianst them. its like i cant reach out for him anymore and say 'baby i love you dont be sad' anymore
im his number one fan, but im not allowed to show it. and that made me cry. (but he didnt know).
i really dont cry that much anymore. but thats only because i dont think that much.
im mindless.
oh and he said he missed me. he really, really shouldnt have said that to me. nope, bad idea.
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