WAITING GAME

i seem to do it alot.. but you said u'd call me, and that you wanted to...
and i wont lie when i got that text, the mood i was in- launched me through the ceiling. and i started dancing around my room and i couldn't stop smiling
(young, naive, immature.. whatever man, it was HAPPY)
you know that's what you do to me right?
....
i made a mental list of all the things i would do,if given the chance, for you. all the sweet little things i had floating around in my head, from back before we broke up. little explorations and picnics... i really hope they happen. god i just want a chance to make it happen,
i just want a chance to be all i want to be for you.


...i had the worst dream the other night. i still havnt really said anything about them well, i told rob i started having the nightmares agian. gawdd idk.. i never knew them to seem this real.. and they have tried to tap into all my fears and i just cringe. i mean.. ok lets start small.. car accidents. idk why but any mangled metal fucking freaks me the fuck out. ive only seem the products of a few god awful accidents but.. idk. there was a car. er remnants of a car. (you know how sometimes in dreams, things exist, yet thy arnt anywhere, they are in no particular place) well it was simply existing, if you will. and then it started to unravel itself and i could see them, the people, i didnt know them, yet i loved them and the weight on my heart made it sink down too deep. i felt all the worst feelings of anguish over and over agian. the type that seems to steal all of your energy and leave you starved. i could feel all of there physical pain but i couldnt reach them to stop it. for the pain had paralyzed me too. everything moved so slowly.. theyre bodies were bending back to shapes but they wouldnt stop screaming and the blood that covered them never disapears it just sat on them and continued to build. and by the end they were drowned in it. sometimes i see my children (er future children, i guess) being torn to shreds and i dont have these images, i dont even know where the fucking kidney is. i dont have the capacity to think ny of this up. but i see them and i see it all. i just see them being torn apart. from every angle. its in slow motion.. i am aware of everything they are experiencing. all the senses including the extrasensery. yet the most painful is seeing them in it. i woke up to the sound of myself throwing up. AND THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE DUE TO ATONY PARALYSIS. seriously, this defiantly qualities as rem sleep and although i agree with my paralysised body dthat it was a good idea to go to the toliet to throw up, i do not understand how this is possible.

sak;hdakfhdf
okay now im worked up.