hatethis

i need to get far, far away from here. from all the famine of sadness and the emptiness surrounding us.
im in no position to help her. im in the same rut ive been in for so long.

i havnt written in a while

its funny how much i have waited for summer to arrive.
but once it had, there was nothing.
youve been in town for a week and i havnt seen you.
your busy. always so busy. im busy to but i would make time. but i guess our priorities are different...
losing a boyfriend wouldnt have been hard if i didnt lose my best friend in the process.
i miss you. so so much more then i ever could have imagined.
and i have changed. but you havnt.
not enough to give me a second chance that i know i deserve. and not enough to just be there for the person who you supposibly loved.
(this is bitter, i know)

what do you say?

i know that pain.
i knew it to this distinctive extreme
before that situation, i had never felt anything of that extreme.
my insides hurt and a sting was rising out of my chest. i couldnt grasp a breathe. my mind was wired and racing. filled with terrible feelings of failure, worthlessness, betrayal and as though everything i believed we felt mutually- was nonexistant.
and so when one of your friends is trying to reach out to you cause their scared, cause their facing these awkward emotions. what do you do?
i dont know what else there is to do. so i sat with her and held her hand and hugged her. kissed her on her forehead. but i dont know. am i missing something? it breaks my heart to see someone in this level of hurt.
all the while im fighting it, to my best ablity, to not calapse into that state. so arnt i just living a lie?
i dont know whats right and whats real anymore. i have a group of people around me, that id like to call friends. i have a family im building a relationship with. but somehow somethings missing. and it has been for a long time.

GAWD

i love you so much <3
more then anything.
and honestly it made me so happy when you said "why are you so good to me?"
cause that means im good to you :DDD
(happy easter by the way)
i want to be good for you. i want to be the one that makes you happy.
i dont wanna be extra stress on you or anything like that.
I WANT TO PROVE IT TO YOU
(with a million kisses and hugs)
i brought you to the parking garage last night
no one in this world would apreciate it as much as i knew you would (:
thats why you are the only person i shall ever want to share it with.
(que to feel special) >.<
"im praying to a god that i ('m not sure that i) believe in"
that maybe, god will be generous to us, he will bless and keep safe you (cause i wont lie, you scare me sometimes) and he will find a nifty lil way to make you not stress out so much..
ya know?
skhdkshdklfhdklhfk okay ya
i think i might give you the notes, if i see you today >.< idk though..

i have a lump in my throat

i got to see you agian today
we hung out three times over spring break and today, after you took a friend to the airport ou stayed intown to work on a project and wait for me to get off school. we hung out... kinda i mean i was complelty okay with it, im happy enough just that i an be sitting beside you.. but when time came were we could talk.. idk i couldnt explain it to you.. or why it was important..
ive come to notice that yu dont know anyhing of whats going on in my life.. idk what to do about that.. idk what to say.. i cant put anything into words.. i wanna talk about when we broke up and what it did to me, not dwell, just let you know. and how ive changed and how i never wanna go back to how it was before. i want to talk about the recent, cause you dont even know.. i wanna tell you about these dreams but im scared. idk why i just get nervous saying anything going on in my life.. it makes em terribly nervous. GOD i am so confused.
IVE BEEN SO CONFUSED FOR SO SO LONG.
and i HATE it.
i mean ughhhhhh its YOU
and i love YOU so much.. you dont even know..
its just all this uncertainty.
it scares me.
you said i love you..

tell me

SUSPENSE
i could really live without it, i think. at least right now.. im so nervous.. im waiting for him to.. 'reboot' i guess to say. he says hes so used to being so stressed out from beign busy that not beign busy is.. idk
its weird.. but i think hes being honest, and i understand, then.
then well hang out. and well talk... about us, him, me.. i have to tell him about geb.. thatll be fun.. ugh i just hope he understands. i thinkit was just a darker point in my life.
well... this could be it..
i just hope it is.. cause collapsing in your arms.. never sounded more sweeter
dear lordy i need to sop tearing up >.<

wish me luckkkk

and sometimes i get nervous, when i see an open door

close your eyes, clear your heart
cut the cord

imagining the possibilities makes my heart race, and i dance around my room and smile to myself so big cause everything in my heart is bouncing around, cause its YOU
and im sure i shouldn't get this excited, but your slurred words sounded alot like "i love you"s and "baby" s
maybe im mistaken, but even so, you talk to me like you used to.
i wanna do the cheesy things we used to,
because hopes of wrestling matches cloud my mind.

i build my hopes on bridges made of dung, but your words so perfect, i just cant help it. im taking the chance.

goodbyes are just words

and i died a millon times

but umm we talked today and it was good.. right? i mean ok heres the points

he called me baby +2
he said he missed me +3
he told me of the dreams he had of me +3.5
he said he wished i was there, like we said to each other all the time +3.5
and he was comfortable enough to fall back asleep on the phone, and im sure thats not that big of a thing but well ya know how a mind like mine works +1

it silly, im sure.. but i love him more then anything i have ever known.
and although that adds up to 13,
i have 30 negative points agianst me.
so i guess thats why my brain still doesnt believe it. that it could happen or that it is happening..

i wish i could express this to you

i don't ever want to go back to how things were.
not the bad, at least.
there were things that i did, ways that i treated you. i don't ever want to do that to you again. i want to be here for you. i want to be the one who makes you happy again.
i have this list in the back of my mind of all these little things i want to do for you, someday...
baby, i love you more then anything.
i just hope i get the chance to prove that to you.
god, hearing your voice, you sounded so unhappy, i couldn't help myself, i cried for you. i want you to be happy... i want to make you happy
i love you..

.

i dont just want sex.

WAITING GAME

i seem to do it alot.. but you said u'd call me, and that you wanted to...
and i wont lie when i got that text, the mood i was in- launched me through the ceiling. and i started dancing around my room and i couldn't stop smiling
(young, naive, immature.. whatever man, it was HAPPY)
you know that's what you do to me right?
....
i made a mental list of all the things i would do,if given the chance, for you. all the sweet little things i had floating around in my head, from back before we broke up. little explorations and picnics... i really hope they happen. god i just want a chance to make it happen,
i just want a chance to be all i want to be for you.


...i had the worst dream the other night. i still havnt really said anything about them well, i told rob i started having the nightmares agian. gawdd idk.. i never knew them to seem this real.. and they have tried to tap into all my fears and i just cringe. i mean.. ok lets start small.. car accidents. idk why but any mangled metal fucking freaks me the fuck out. ive only seem the products of a few god awful accidents but.. idk. there was a car. er remnants of a car. (you know how sometimes in dreams, things exist, yet thy arnt anywhere, they are in no particular place) well it was simply existing, if you will. and then it started to unravel itself and i could see them, the people, i didnt know them, yet i loved them and the weight on my heart made it sink down too deep. i felt all the worst feelings of anguish over and over agian. the type that seems to steal all of your energy and leave you starved. i could feel all of there physical pain but i couldnt reach them to stop it. for the pain had paralyzed me too. everything moved so slowly.. theyre bodies were bending back to shapes but they wouldnt stop screaming and the blood that covered them never disapears it just sat on them and continued to build. and by the end they were drowned in it. sometimes i see my children (er future children, i guess) being torn to shreds and i dont have these images, i dont even know where the fucking kidney is. i dont have the capacity to think ny of this up. but i see them and i see it all. i just see them being torn apart. from every angle. its in slow motion.. i am aware of everything they are experiencing. all the senses including the extrasensery. yet the most painful is seeing them in it. i woke up to the sound of myself throwing up. AND THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE DUE TO ATONY PARALYSIS. seriously, this defiantly qualities as rem sleep and although i agree with my paralysised body dthat it was a good idea to go to the toliet to throw up, i do not understand how this is possible.

sak;hdakfhdf
okay now im worked up.

its funny

cause you said youd be there for me

fkshfhdlhflkshfuosdkahsdoiayrklfhdksfhdkfhdffddssdfgdfgdyf
i didnt believe you though, so i guess its okay. right?

and you must really know how to cut where the wound is, cause you know i wanna be the one you can come to. but all youll tell me is that your not happy. thats ALL youll ever fuckin tell me.

Baby's so high that shes skying, yeah she's flying afraid to fall...

your a ghost without a face to me again
and again and i remember how refreshing it always was to see your face after days and weeks and almost months. i would miss you so much. and i miss you so much now. baby... your world is my world, your fight is my fight
but you wont let me fight your fights, you wont let your world intertwine with mine.
and these games you play.. i just cant. im sure i did before. but i cant. not anymore.
baby i love you and im standing here, on my tippy toes, waiting for you.

*remember when we used to sit in that damned catholic church and play tumb wars and id tap your hand three times, for the 3 lil words i loved to say to you.

da du du bum bump bump bump aump pu a rump ump ump

"All is going according to plan. Trust that there is a bigger picture. Trust that life is unfolding as it should."

...know that every statement i make about god is a "If there is a god" statement..
with that in mind..
i think its an odd way to reach me, im not going to lie, but i do appreciate it and encourage it.
see i have a "god wants you to know" app on fb, i know, kinda lame but i like it.
well that is aparently what god wanted me to know today.
and ill tell you why its odd
i had a date with shane tonight, and it was incredibly fun and incredibly... forward. and i liked that, hes not trying to play games, like every other person in this god damn town. i mean im just not into that 'hidden message' stuff.
BUT what this is about is, if god is trying to tell me something, hes telling me that things are going according to plan.. things are going as they are supposed to. meaning me, trying to move on, is what is supposed to be happening..
now, although that is some type of reassuring.. idk that THAT was exactly what i was wanting.
Shane is like such a great guy i already know i like him a fair amount, but well im kinda still in love with ethan.
which is a lil bit of a pickle, id say.
but that isnt all that that told me... you see if all is going according to plan and life is unfolding as it should-- sorry god but you are kinda givin me the okay to keep doing what im doing.. which includes sneaking around to see this kid... and all the other times i sneak around?... i think yes :)
CHAAA CHINGGG
but i truely believe that. sorry. but honestly i wouldnt be who i was, if i didnt. i wouldnt be the fun person that damn it i am!
and you know what, things are going good. im starting to like myself. in a way that i really never have. because really, i am a good person, i am a fun person. and im not that unattractive. :P
so HAA positive outlook on life starts now :)

oh i have a question..

how the FUCK do asians type on a keyboard? like do they have the little symbol things or what? like how would that work?

If i told you things i did before
told you how i used to be would
you go along with someone like me?
if you knew my story word for word had all of my history
would you go along with someone like me?

i wouldnt :)

i have dreams of orca whales and owls but i wake up in fear (which isnt true by the way)

bob: hey how are?

andrew: okay, im really tired.

bob: andrew like.. how tired are you?

andrew: dude.. i am like really tired



just a convo i heard a few days ago that my head screamed WTF!? to.

:)

btw

im not at school tday, cause im sick

*cough cough*

but really, i slept until like 30 minutes ago (being like 1130) so exhausted. i feel like im in a fog.

i got to do my english paper on human trafficking :P ugh sorry but its bull shit man

im doing okay though, happy... maybe, im not sure..

god, so the good guys are confusing and the bd guys are just, well their the bad guys. i dont wanna have sex with you again, why am i headed towards that? ha. dumbbb kelseyyy, yeah shes really dumb.

on friday i might go bowling with some of my friends and include shane, in on it.

but hes just a confusing person. cause he was saying he wanted to bring a friend, but then he said he was just excited to be able to hang out with me. id like to just be friends... i think, but i kinda like him alil bit too.. and geb, ugh im still mad at you! i just wish i could go back to when we were friends. that was cool. and you dont even know the difference between what we are now, and then.

ME AND MY FRIENDS WOULD CALL THAT LOW QUALITY!







(all of it doesnt hold any true importance in my head, cause i truely believe.. maybe.. someday i will be able to hold you again and kiss you- thats more then any other hope i want to hold)

i have the worst case of system overload when it comes to this town..
you know theres some places you go, that are new to you, youve never traveled there before. and when you return to your more natural enviroment- and you think back to that place, sometimes you dont think of exactly what went on there, but.. perhaps a single thought you had there. for instance, you go to turkey mountain and get plastered with a group of people you dont particularly enjoy, yet when thinking back to this moment you can only think of how you promised to/ begged to bring your ex-lover to.
but thats the thing, i dont have this for a majority of this goddamn town. cause im so used to everything. its all so familiar, yet none of it is comforting..?

ramblings of an idiot.
probably.

just one more touch of your heart

and well im okay right now. cause i talked to you the other day and we talked about so much, you- how you are. me- but im so vague, i would've been so irritated with myself but well you wernt. us- how we miss each other. and we talked about memories, 'remember whens' along with aggravations,
which i cant blame you.
but you see all those aggravations, i want to put them in a little box and throw them out a window. cause that's not what i want to be to you. at all.
i want to be there for you
someone you can tell good stories and bad stories to.
someone you can complain to.
someone you can turn to.
and someone who will kiss your forehead again. and tell you it will be okay.
i know it wasnt all bad, those days before. i know there were a few right turns in there.
second chance?
maybe someday...
but i think things are okay for now
if i can talk to you somedays, well yeah i like that.
(happy?)
(for now, and its ok that way)

okay.

my mother has a million reasons for why she fell asleep on the coach last night, every night, but all of them seem to be insistent that it has nothing to do with my father. thats funny.

i found the best part of town today. when i *cough* went to study at the library. the sunset is microtiny with a gazillion rays sprouting from it, from there. (when your high as balls)

me and my brother have these dreams in common that our (now decest)(sp WOW WTF) pet hamsters have shrunk into tiny balls and well in mine they climb up the chimney and fountain from the top and i haveto run outside to capture them, but their tiney and theyre so hard to find
i used to wake up thinking i had fallen asleep with my hamster and look for him and after like 10 minutes i would realize i was only dreming that and go back to sleep feeling like a crazy person

we used to let my hamster sit in the living room. he would curl up in a little ball and sleep. maybe he was scared, i never thought about that. he would just freeze and not move.
then one day i came back from the kitchen and he had rolled over. i knew he was about to die, my mom didnt think so and she kept picking him up and moving him, i told her osmething was def wrong. he normally wasnt that bad. i yelled for my brother and sat on the coach with him on my tummy. he liked doing that. i would always read or draw with him there. but then i said i thought he was gonig to die. and i saw him breathe his last lil hamster breath.
all animals LOVE whipcream.

oh the moon and the stars shine for you

i feel like moving on would be a very good thing for me..
a large part of me is hoping that by writing this down, it will reinforce it. and it will become more believable.
and therefore, making these words actions.
dont get me wrong, i still love you more then anyone else could.
but this. this isnt healthy for me.
and i know life isnt always about being happy. and ill always be here for you. and i guess if you ever would take me back..
but thats not how im thinking of things anymore.
i dont think there really is anything different in this little resolution. maybe its just the mindset. yeah i guess thats it.
but idk.. Anita's happy, Anita is moving on. shes quiet inspiring.
cats moving on.
and ethans moving on.
i really need to follow the trend everyone seems to be setting.
i think i need your thoughts and prayers on this one..

*ya know.. i hate to say this but everything from our past has become so bitter sweet..and sometimes youve said it "sweat dreams" and etc.. and its cute and i like it alil.. but i also cringe.

fuck

haha so much for the not communicating with him thing..
i texted him and asked if we could talk. idk why i did that. it was one of those impulse things.
ughhhhhh
whatever. knowing him, it wont happen...
is that a good thing? to try to look at him in a negative light?
cause when rob talked bad about him, i still disagreed.
(by the way i think its really fucked up to untag yourself from all the pictures of us together on facebook. yeah that still gets to me)

i really hate missing you this much.
and i wonder if he knows how much hes hurt me. i wonder if he would give a damn