i wish i could express this to you

i don't ever want to go back to how things were.
not the bad, at least.
there were things that i did, ways that i treated you. i don't ever want to do that to you again. i want to be here for you. i want to be the one who makes you happy again.
i have this list in the back of my mind of all these little things i want to do for you, someday...
baby, i love you more then anything.
i just hope i get the chance to prove that to you.
god, hearing your voice, you sounded so unhappy, i couldn't help myself, i cried for you. i want you to be happy... i want to make you happy
i love you..

.

i dont just want sex.

WAITING GAME

i seem to do it alot.. but you said u'd call me, and that you wanted to...
and i wont lie when i got that text, the mood i was in- launched me through the ceiling. and i started dancing around my room and i couldn't stop smiling
(young, naive, immature.. whatever man, it was HAPPY)
you know that's what you do to me right?
....
i made a mental list of all the things i would do,if given the chance, for you. all the sweet little things i had floating around in my head, from back before we broke up. little explorations and picnics... i really hope they happen. god i just want a chance to make it happen,
i just want a chance to be all i want to be for you.


...i had the worst dream the other night. i still havnt really said anything about them well, i told rob i started having the nightmares agian. gawdd idk.. i never knew them to seem this real.. and they have tried to tap into all my fears and i just cringe. i mean.. ok lets start small.. car accidents. idk why but any mangled metal fucking freaks me the fuck out. ive only seem the products of a few god awful accidents but.. idk. there was a car. er remnants of a car. (you know how sometimes in dreams, things exist, yet thy arnt anywhere, they are in no particular place) well it was simply existing, if you will. and then it started to unravel itself and i could see them, the people, i didnt know them, yet i loved them and the weight on my heart made it sink down too deep. i felt all the worst feelings of anguish over and over agian. the type that seems to steal all of your energy and leave you starved. i could feel all of there physical pain but i couldnt reach them to stop it. for the pain had paralyzed me too. everything moved so slowly.. theyre bodies were bending back to shapes but they wouldnt stop screaming and the blood that covered them never disapears it just sat on them and continued to build. and by the end they were drowned in it. sometimes i see my children (er future children, i guess) being torn to shreds and i dont have these images, i dont even know where the fucking kidney is. i dont have the capacity to think ny of this up. but i see them and i see it all. i just see them being torn apart. from every angle. its in slow motion.. i am aware of everything they are experiencing. all the senses including the extrasensery. yet the most painful is seeing them in it. i woke up to the sound of myself throwing up. AND THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE DUE TO ATONY PARALYSIS. seriously, this defiantly qualities as rem sleep and although i agree with my paralysised body dthat it was a good idea to go to the toliet to throw up, i do not understand how this is possible.

sak;hdakfhdf
okay now im worked up.

its funny

cause you said youd be there for me

fkshfhdlhflkshfuosdkahsdoiayrklfhdksfhdkfhdffddssdfgdfgdyf
i didnt believe you though, so i guess its okay. right?

and you must really know how to cut where the wound is, cause you know i wanna be the one you can come to. but all youll tell me is that your not happy. thats ALL youll ever fuckin tell me.

Baby's so high that shes skying, yeah she's flying afraid to fall...

your a ghost without a face to me again
and again and i remember how refreshing it always was to see your face after days and weeks and almost months. i would miss you so much. and i miss you so much now. baby... your world is my world, your fight is my fight
but you wont let me fight your fights, you wont let your world intertwine with mine.
and these games you play.. i just cant. im sure i did before. but i cant. not anymore.
baby i love you and im standing here, on my tippy toes, waiting for you.

*remember when we used to sit in that damned catholic church and play tumb wars and id tap your hand three times, for the 3 lil words i loved to say to you.

da du du bum bump bump bump aump pu a rump ump ump

"All is going according to plan. Trust that there is a bigger picture. Trust that life is unfolding as it should."

...know that every statement i make about god is a "If there is a god" statement..
with that in mind..
i think its an odd way to reach me, im not going to lie, but i do appreciate it and encourage it.
see i have a "god wants you to know" app on fb, i know, kinda lame but i like it.
well that is aparently what god wanted me to know today.
and ill tell you why its odd
i had a date with shane tonight, and it was incredibly fun and incredibly... forward. and i liked that, hes not trying to play games, like every other person in this god damn town. i mean im just not into that 'hidden message' stuff.
BUT what this is about is, if god is trying to tell me something, hes telling me that things are going according to plan.. things are going as they are supposed to. meaning me, trying to move on, is what is supposed to be happening..
now, although that is some type of reassuring.. idk that THAT was exactly what i was wanting.
Shane is like such a great guy i already know i like him a fair amount, but well im kinda still in love with ethan.
which is a lil bit of a pickle, id say.
but that isnt all that that told me... you see if all is going according to plan and life is unfolding as it should-- sorry god but you are kinda givin me the okay to keep doing what im doing.. which includes sneaking around to see this kid... and all the other times i sneak around?... i think yes :)
CHAAA CHINGGG
but i truely believe that. sorry. but honestly i wouldnt be who i was, if i didnt. i wouldnt be the fun person that damn it i am!
and you know what, things are going good. im starting to like myself. in a way that i really never have. because really, i am a good person, i am a fun person. and im not that unattractive. :P
so HAA positive outlook on life starts now :)

oh i have a question..

how the FUCK do asians type on a keyboard? like do they have the little symbol things or what? like how would that work?

If i told you things i did before
told you how i used to be would
you go along with someone like me?
if you knew my story word for word had all of my history
would you go along with someone like me?

i wouldnt :)